Wednesday, October 5

A Plea

So let's see... Two posts about the two big things that happened.  But, for my future reference, let me recap:

  1. In-laws came to town 9/18, spent the night, left for Italy the next morning.  
  2. Mom and two brothers came to town, spent several nights with us helping us paint our downstairs
  3. My grandfather passed away on Thursday, 9/22
  4. The rest of my family came to town for the funeral, which was held 9/26
  5. The next day, 9/27, I started spotting. 
  6. 9/28, had an ultrasound that showed Samuel's loss was due to a blighted ovum
  7. 10/3, two clients had their babies, I attended both births.  The highlights of my week!
  8. 10/4, in-laws came back to town, Ryan told them the news and I updated this blog
I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself and am not posting to fish for sympathy.  I am allowing myself time to heal and grieve, but I just have to put this all together and make sense of it.  This was a very difficult two weeks, but I have to say it could have been so much worse.   It sounds awful but I just kept waiting for something else to go wrong, and I'm so very thankful it didn't.  I am so thankful that I have my faith to rely on; God has gifted me with unwavering faith and for that I'm so very grateful because I'm not quite sure how I could have done this if I were having a crisis of faith.  I'm emotionally beat up, and even though I've seen my husband and children every day I feel like I haven't been truly present for them lately.  I miss them.  I miss feeling like myself but I know once my hormones settle down I'll feel normal again.  Well, I'll feel normal, but I'll never be the same.

If you don't read my other blog for my doula work then you probably didn't know that I attended two births on Monday!  Both moms had gone past their due dates so their pending labors were lingering in the back of my mind during all of this, but again I'm so very thankful that it all worked out and I was able to attend both of their births!  What a crazy juxtaposition.  Two deaths and two lives.  One Monday I'm at a funeral and the next I'm at a birth- well, two births.  Holding two precious newborns was good for my heart and soul, these moms don't know how good it was for me.  They think they're grateful to me for helping them, but really I'm the grateful one.

I can only pray that we have a quiet October.  Luke's birthday is less than 3 weeks away, and I've always felt that his birthday is the kickoff to the holiday season because it gets busy and hectic.  I am going to try my hardest to relax and lay low for the next couple of weeks.  Recuperate.  Reconnect.  Rejuvenate.

I would like to thank everyone- here and on Facebook- for their prayers during this time.  I can only imagine the mess I'd be if I didn't have so many people storming heaven on our behalf.  I know this is probably a hard concept for many people to deal with, but once again I am thankful to my faith for guiding me through a time that might have otherwise been a very confusing experience.  I believe life begins at conception, therefore I know I was pregnant and I carried my sweet little baby until God called him home, for a reason unbeknownst to me.  I believe that one day I will see my little boy, Samuel, and that one day God may decide to reveal to me why this has all happened.  I can honestly say I'm not so concerned with why it happened, but just sad that this was the way it did happen.  But my thought is that God knew our family needed an intercessor in heaven, to pray for his parents, brothers, and sister, uncles, aunts, grandparents, and other family members.  I firmly believe Samuel is in the company of his other relatives who have gone before him.  And now all I can think about is leading a virtuous life so that I can meet him, in heaven, on the day when God calls me home.

So, please, I beg and plead.  And will beg and plead with you in real life too if you make me.  I will never stop praying.  Please turn back to God.  Please turn back to the faith.  Please don't put it off any more.  Please, I beg you, because I want you to meet my Samuel in heaven one day too.  Please ask God to reveal Himself in your life, and follow Him.  It's not worth putting off any longer, for whatever reason you've left Him.  Make peace with your life, your decisions, your choices, and reconcile.  None of us know the day or the hour that God will call us home, and all I can think about is how badly I want each and every one of you to see how beautiful my son Samuel is.  Don't wait any longer, please.


Blair said...

Beautiful post, Stephanie. I'm so sorry for your losses. Sending prayers that things will settle down in the coming weeks, but also that your little saint Samuel will send you some heavenly consolations.

Neen said...

Your heart is so full of sadness and also love of our Lord. Thank you for the reminder and I pray that I can find God in everything as you have in your post. I know a few years back when I lost those special people in that short week, we all felt alone and yet somehow united to God. It isn't fun and yet I long for that peace in my heart without the pain (Heaven). God Bless.

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