After feeling like my blog needed a change, I've spent a few weeks pondering and debating. I was leaning toward some titles that dealt with motherhood because that's what seemed appropriate. I mostly write about being a mother, it's pretty much all I do all day! The struggle of choosing joy and charity when I just want to yell, the struggle of doing my work with a grateful heart, dealing with jealousy of others who send their kids off to school when I just want to take a day off... Yes, motherhood is pretty much my life!
Being a wife is important too. I think it's really even more important than my vocation as a mom. I am sacramentally bound to my Love, and the state of our family reflects the state of our marriage. I choose him again and again every day.
But above all, I realized, I am creature created by God. As I flipped through my prayer journals from the years and years behind me (I found some the other day dated back to high school!) I realized that I have always been seeking to know Him more fully. There is a real struggle to find my peace in the Lord instead of in other people, for it is in Him and only in Him that I will find my true meaning. Sometimes I get caught up in life- which is pretty easy when there are four little souls who demand my attention all day long- and I search for happiness elsewhere.
I've always felt that God is calling me to something more, something greater. It could be argued that my Catholic formation within a lay movement of the church as brought out this zealousness and fire from me (but quite a bit of scrupulosity too). Over and over again I read and am told that my calling in life right now is first and foremost to be a mom. I agree mostly; God has given me my children (these specific children) and I'm responsible for their souls, health, education, and well-being while they're under my care. But I don't think that means I have to forget who I am as a woman- as God's child.
He wants me to seek Him too. He's calling me and every day I need to say yes. Right now He calls me in the form of a mother, as one who gives completely and totally of herself for the care of her children. (Sometimes I think I missed a calling to be a cloistered nun!) As I come out of the phase of early childhood and I can see everything in my life a little more clearly without the influence of hormones, I realize that I'm tired of reading books about motherhood, scheduling my day effectively, and just general "how to" books. I miss being spiritually nourished.
It's not that time for me right now though. I can't leave my family for a week-long silent retreat, or even attend daily mass with them on a regular basis. I have to find Him right here in my home, amongst the noise and the giggles. He is in the giggles.
I chose "Restless" as the title for my blog because it reminds me of the God-shaped hole in my heart that I constantly try to fill with people and things- things of this world. But our souls were not made for this world, they were made for God. God made me to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world... And be with Him forever in heaven. I love that the simple things I'm teaching my children have such a profound effect on me.
I find peace in knowing that I'm following His will for me at this stage in my life, but I know I will always be restless for Him.