I've had a lot on my mind lately. But I'm just going to start typing, and see where this ends up. Maybe I'll edit a lot, maybe I'll just let the random thoughts be.
So, it's been a rough month. The craziness has continued and, though this things haven't happened to me, they've affected me directly. I think it's safe to say this has been one of the hardest months in my life.
I'm a passionate person, and a somewhat private person. (Ha, you'd never think that given how much information I post on this blog for the entire internet world to read, but in real life I'm actually kinda quiet.) I'm passionate about lots of things, and used to be pretty outgoing and would tell people what I thought. Especially in high school and college, I'd say I did a lot of things because I wasn't afraid of what other people thought of me, I only wanted to share my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Well, somewhere along the way I developed a sense of privacy and concern for what others thought of me. It's sort of silly but I can't go back to the way I used to be, and frankly I don't want to. I remember times I was quite the fool, I can only imagine what others actually were thinking of me!
So, here I am, pushing 30 and feeling pretty beat up. I've faced things in the past month I never thought I'd actually have to face. I hate looking at myself in the mirror because I feel like I've aged so much in one month, like the bags and wrinkles under my eyes all of the sudden make me look like an old lady. I'm in a desperate need of a hair cut so my hair is so frizzy and wild when I wake up (and all day if I don't have the chance to straighten it). I haven't worked out regularly since August because my schedule has been so hectic, and I've had hardly any free time in the evenings to go to the gym, so my body is feeling weak. In fact, I've been having some dizziness issues again so I'm just wondering if my body my actually collapse one day.
The good news is that my body has moved on from my miscarriage. It took no time at all for my body to ovulate again, but that has made my heart angry. My heart is still broken, still sad. I've purposefully allowed myself time to grieve because I truly believe that trying to forget about it would only hurt myself in the future. So my heart is sad, but then here goes my body, like, "Wohoo, let's do this again!" Mentally and emotionally, I'm not ready for that, but apparently my silly, misguided body is.
I'm finally taking my HCG hormone shots. I had hormone tested in June which showed some deficiencies during the end of my cycle, which would explain some of my feelings. My doctor prescribed these HCG shots, which I administer to myself every other day, as a means to help my body figure things out. I can tell that it's made my head a lot clearer, which is such a blessing. Yes, I still have to deal with the day-to-day craziness, but at least my head is clear.
Which leads me to my next topic. My children. I love them so much that I can't put it into words, but man they can tear me down. I know it's not intentional; they're babies. Babies. But they order me around, tear up my house, don't listen to me, and boss each other around. It's hard, I'm not gonna lie. I do count my blessings: I am thankful that the toys strewn about the house mean we have a house to begin with, and dishes in the sink means we had food to eat. A little respect from them would probably prevent a few gray hairs, though.
Ryan's been so busy with work, and I've been busy with my doula work too. There have been some nights when he gets home from work and I have to immediately walk out to meet with a client. I love this and hate this at the same time. I love being able to engage my brain and talk to clients, offer my advice, discuss their options. It makes me very happy to be able to serve others in this capacity, I truly do feel like my line of work is very much a ministry since, especially at this point, I'm hardly making any money! But it's hard too because it means Ryan and I haven't seen much of each other lately, and when we are together we're both exhausted. I feel like we need a weekend away so badly, but I have no idea if and when this could even happen.
I'm ready to put this month behind me and, after Halloween (not my favorite holiday), get excited about upcoming holidays. Dare I say cool weather? I am so done with being stressed out, this holiday season is going to be about peace more than anything. Loving each other, enjoying our time together without worrying about the details. Letting go of ideas that things "have" to be a certain way and just enjoying them for the way they are. I just want to make sweet memories with my husband and children.
Please continue to pray for me as I process everything that's happened and face several big things about to happen.