Being a friend is complicated. Sometimes I get stuck in situations with certain people where I just fumble on my words. I gush about myself or endure awkward silences when I'm secretly desperately trying to think of a new conversation topic. It's always the same people too- they must think I'm an idiot! I get myself worked up and then the words just don't come, or I wind up saying something totally dumb, or blabbing on about myself when I sincerely want to hear about them. I hate that feeling!
I don't know why I let things bother me so much. Like today I was on a country road and came up behind an older man in a truck going 50 mph in a 70. He slowed down- I thought he was going to turn right- so I slowed down behind him. He started waving for me to go around him but there was oncoming traffic and I didn't feel comfortable doing it since I would have had to cross over into the other lane. He got really mad at me! He had his window down, yelling Lord only knows what at me, waving his hands frantically. I'm only happy he didn't make a specific one-fingered gesture but he was clearly ticked off at me and I can only imagine what he was thinking. I was so confused! He was doing something nice for me, but then got mad at me? I let this incident eat at me off and on all afternoon. I prayed for him after it happened but why did I dwell on it?
I guess I'm a thinker. I do think about things for a long time, and I have to read as much information as I can before I make a decision. I replay moments in my head over and over again, hoping I'll do better next time. We've been thinking about something big over the past couple of months and it's taken some time for pieces to fall into place, but I've needed to gather all the facts. This is difficult because sometimes you just can't gather everything; sometimes the facts don't exist. Sometimes you have to pray and just trust God, and trust yourself to make the right decision even when some of the puzzle pieces are still missing. But as I tell my clients- we make educated decisions with the information we have in this moment so we have no "what ifs" later. We made part of our decision and although it's not originally what we'd wanted, we did gather as much information as we could and put the rest in God's hands.
The good news about making a big decision is we've experienced a bit of relief knowing that it's officially Not An Option anymore. Crossed it off the list. That's always nice, don't you think?
Well, I guess we've made two decisions recently! We also made a decision to say "yes" to a new church home. We have become members of a parish that is right for our family. There are so many aspects of the parish and the liturgy that I just love. We can truly say "yes" to God in so many new ways here.
It reminds me of the way we educate our children. We don't buy literature that has been abridged or brought down to their level; we give them something of beauty and something to strive to understand, something for which to reach. Our faith life should be no different! Here, we are all reaching, yet we are all nourished.
I'd have to say that I have a decent understanding of my role as mother, wife, and daughter of the King. But it's hard for me to reach deeper sometimes because... I am a mother and wife! I've read the books- I know it's about prioritizing and coming outside of myself and self-donative love... And I have a missionary spirit. I am constantly being reminded that the best (and seemingly only) thing I should do right now is to love and raise my children. I do agree! Whole-heartedly! Still, sometimes I struggle with the feeling that I should be doing more for God's kingdom.
Ahhhhh... God's kingdom. Cuddling with this sweet, cuddly, ball of love. The kingdom of God truly belongs to such as these, and I'm convinced she was given to me as a gift to help me heal from a lot of past hurts. But have I mentioned she'd 10 months old? It's starting to get a little complicated during the days! She wants me so much, and the others want me so much too. Then there's school work and chores and cooking to be done... Imagine my surprise when I went looking for this post for the first time since Caeli was born. Gosh I knew exactly what I'd be thinking right now! Time to take my own advice!