10 Days Past My Due Date

I am sitting here at my desk, doing hip circles on my birth ball.  Although I’m not feeling particularly inspired to write, it’s probably the one thing I haven’t tried yet to induce labor (a sort of emotional release, if you will).  Things I have tried include all the obvious,  acupuncture and induction massage, mowing the lawn on our tractor, lots of crying, and Spinning Babies techniques.  The logical part of me knows there’s probably nothing I can do to make him or her come.  But part of me feels broken.

Having gone 13 days past my due date last time hasn’t made this time much easier.  My body or my babies need more time to gestate; someone has to be at the bottom of the bell curve at 42 weeks.  It’s not abnormal.  So why is it so hard?

I have a few theories for me.  The first is that I was hopeful that baby just might come early!  Not  too hopeful, but hopeful enough that I ordered my home birth kit on time and started assembling supplies at 38 weeks.  I installed the car seat a couple of weeks ago.  And I’ve been slowly checking things off my list… But most were checked off by 39 weeks.  

 

That was over two weeks ago.

So what have I been doing?  Waiting.  At home.  I’ve been feeling very vulnerable and anti-social, so the idea of visiting friends hasn’t sounded appealing, so we’ve mostly stayed home.  But what happens at home?  I feel like I need to have the house ready to go, so we spend a lot of time cleaning- and that’s driving me crazy.  I haven’t felt like reading or otherwise engaging in anything too crafty (I did recover the cushions on the glider and finish crocheting baby’s blanket though).  So I’m just in this perpetual state of waiting.

I’ve done it to myself, I realize, since I don’t want to go out.  But, my main problem with going out right now is the endless commentary from strangers on me and my family.  It sounds horrible but frankly I don’t want to hear anything from anyone about my pregnancy or my family- even compliments.  I just want to talk about normal things.  Everyone stares at me with giant eyes, comments on my basketball belly, asks how many kids I have and stares at me even more when I tell them this is my fifth.  Or, if the kids are with me, they’ll count them up and ask if this baby is a boy or girl, then I have to explain I don’t know because we chose not to find out, then they say, “Oh I could never do that!” and we laugh cordially.  I’ve had that exact conversation 100 times.  While I am very thankful that I haven’t received any rude comments (apparently those have been reserved for Ryan), I am just tired of the small talk.  

Spiritually I feel very dry, because I haven’t been able to engage in any stimulating conversations due to my self-inflicted confinement, and I haven’t been able to force myself to read anything spiritual.  Or anything at all, really.  I feel like my brain doesn’t have the capacity to think or feel right now.

I’m in a tunnel.  It’s pitch black and I can’t see the light.  I know the light is ahead because, well, no one is pregnant forever, right?  Right now I feel like I’ve been in this tunnel for a lifetime, and this particular tunnel has been more challenging to navigate than the other four I’ve already been through.  This tunnel held apathy, depression, vulnerability, and feelings of abandonment.  When I finally had to give up the one thing at 32 weeks that made me feel like ME (which was working out and lifting weights), my body actually started to feel better physically, which frustrated me that I couldn’t even do the one thing anymore that made me feel normal.  

I’m happy with our decision to labor and deliver at home, but I’m not looking forward to having to actually labor again.  Having been through it several times already, and having witnessed nearly 50 births as a doula, I am very aware of what I’m about to go through.  I made a (probably heretical) comparison to feeling like Jesus in the garden before His passion.  He knew what was going to happen to Him; He didn’t want to do it.  He sweat blood!  I haven’t sweat blood before but I know pretty well what to expect.  The tightening, the stretching, the pain that my body will endure.  It’s the only way to bring this baby into my arms, and I wholly accept that this is the way it has to happen.  And we’ve chosen to do it at home (under the care of a midwife) because I don’t feel there are any better options for me.  Jesus knew His Father’s will, yet He still asked for another way.  I don’t feel guilty about asking for the beginning of the end of this pregnancy… I just have to remember His words: “Not my will, but your will be done.”

I see the opportunities for grace, for growing in patience and endurance, for humility, for redemptive suffering.   I see that perhaps God has a great plan that I don’t know about yet, or a plan better than the one I’ve made.  But… I just don’t want to do it anymore.  I’m ready to have this baby, ready to accept and embrace the pains of labor, ready to move on with life.  Yet I must wait.

And so…  we wait.

Waiting

I rocked Caeli to sleep last night and noticed the shrinking size of my lap.  In order to lean up against me, she has to arch her back a little over my baby bump and wrap her tan little legs around mine to keep from slipping off.  This doesn't seem to bother her, but I notice.

And just like that, 17 weeks in, this pregnancy is flying by.  Life carries on as usual but I notice those little things, things probably no one else notices or understands. But I notice.

I notice the change in my gait.  My hips have widened and there's a small waddle that's been added to my walk.

I notice the placement of the firm part of my belly.  It's not all firm, but where it is keeps me from bending over or even kickboxing the way I used to.

I notice the additional pangs of hunger from not eating enough of the "right" foods.  Because when I eat, everyone wants to eat.  And the idea of dirtying up multiple pots and pans in the morning just doesn't seem to be worth the extra work of cleaning it all up.

I notice the lightheadedness from the additional blood flowing through my body.  The shortness of breath from one flight of stairs.  The tiredness.

And the veins in my left leg.  Oh boy do I notice them.

I've also started noticing something new.  Little gentle kicks, pokes and jabs from a little person inside letting me know he* is there.  He hasn't wasted any time with gentle flutters; this baby already know he's destined for the soccer field like his brothers and sisters.

The ebbs and flows of our day allow me time to sit and concentrate on waiting for those kicks.  I place my hand on my lower abdomen and give a gentle but firm push, to let him know he has my full attention.  More often than not, I think he knows I'm waiting for him and he responds with a push.  Our two worlds meet through layers of skin and muscle and I'm reassured that he's still there, waiting for me too.

***I say "he" for the sake of ease, but we won't be finding out the gender of this baby before birth!  It was too much fun last time not knowing that Caeli was a girl!

An Announcement

I've been attending spiritual guidance with my trusted priest for nearly a year now.  The fruits of someone to help me decipher God's will and plan for me has been both a blessing and a trail for me.  The blessings of attending my beloved parish, the opportunities for spiritual growth through reading, talks, and long conversations with friends, and my own personal devotions has also made me a target for Satan.  He's pulled out all sorts of tricks on me for a year now, attacking different parts of me that I can see in retrospect, were simply a failed means to make me feel worthless and meaningless.  It's been a rough spiritual year.

But back to spiritual guidance.  I bring in my issue that Satan has laid in front of me, and my guide helps me see God's love.  I tell him I want to change the world, he reminds me that change begins at home.  I say this group of people, he says your husband, sons, and daughters.  He's doesn't squash my dreams, just reminds me of God's will.  And each time I say yes and truly seek His plan, I am at peace.

I've always thought God had something huge in store for me, and I hope that doesn't sound egotistical.  Even since high school, I've always felt He had a big plan for me.  Figuring out exactly what that means in each stage of life isn't easy!

Today, I read a reflection that really hit the nail on the head and brought it all home for me.

"I sometimes get swept up by notions of the BIG IMPORTANT jobs God had for some folks. Saint Mary Magdalene: First witness to the resurrection. Saint Catherine of Siena: Restorer of the papacy. Saint Joan of Arc: Leader of armies.

I’ll tell him, “Hey God, if you need anyone to pass along some new doctrine, or convert the president, or conquer Canada . . . just let me know.”

So far, He just keeps sending babies."

 

(Go read the rest of Kendra's short reflection here.) 

When I read those lines, I had to put my coffee down and re-read them, for you see- He has sent me a new baby.  A reminder that my place is here, in this home, with our children.  Another soul to raise for Him.  My heart may want to serve the homeless and spread the good news to foreign lands, but for now He has once again reminded me that I need to be fully present here- serving my family and spreading the good news to them and those whose paths we cross.

I am grateful that He sees me fit to raise another soul (even though some days I might disagree), and that he's given me this gentle and wonderful reminder that my place in the world is right here, in this home.

(New Baby N. coming in early October!)

36 Weeks Pregnant

Today I am 36 weeks pregnant.  I realized that I don't have much written down about this pregnancy (poor neglected child, already) so I thought I'd come by, dust the cobwebs off my blog, and let y'all know what's been going on.

26 weeks pregnant... Outgrowing my shirts.

I knew it was time to update y'all after I had the first "breakdown" last night.  It wasn't a big one, but it's a sign for me that I'm getting close to the end.  And thank goodness... Let me explain.

I conceived this little one almost immediately after my second miscarriage, which means I would have been due with the baby we named Veronica right about now.  It's been a little surreal thinking about that as I look at my swollen belly, but I have to make sure to include her on this journey because I know she and her big brother Samuel have been praying for us during this pregnancy.  I've been healthy but in a private way, a nervous wreck.  Once I could feel the baby kicking, things got a little better.  It took a little longer for me to feel this baby move, but one night, when I was 18 weeks and 6 days pregnant, s/he started kicking and hasn't stopped since!  Now of course the movements I feel (and you can likely see) are more like slow rolls that I feel in several places at once.  Just today Ryan was watching a little elbow poke out and disappear in again, over and over again.  It weirds him out but I like that he can see a little bit of what I feel all over!

The big babies feeling the little baby roll around

So it's reassuring to feel the baby move every day, and when I notice I haven't felt him/her in awhile I can easily wake him/her up with a little effleurage on my tummy.  I am certain this child switches positions on a daily basis- head down always but s/he rolls from posterior to anterior constantly.  I'm hoping that s/he decides to come when s/he is lined up correctly!

I've made myself not do anything baby-related until about this point.  It's too early and although I've been nesting the past two weeks, there's not much I can do now.  I'm not setting up a nursery, I don't know which clothes to pull out, I'm not ready to install a car seat or pack a bag for the birthing center.  I have been working on my postpartum support plan, which is something new for me this time.  It's just a simple letter and list of what I expect and what others should expect from me during the first few months of baby's life.  It's something I've learned a lot about recently, as a doula, and since it's something I teach to clients I decided I should practice what I preach! 

All of my midwife appointments at our birthing center have gone well, nice and easy and generally pretty quick.  Since they're uneventful, I count that as a positive!

I feel like I've been more healthy this pregnancy, mostly because we have become more focused on our diets in the past 3 years.  I don't eat a lot of junk- and when I do indulge, I generally feel awful because of it, so it hasn't been worth it.  I've had a few food aversions but I am trying to focus on protein and my iron intake, since that is always low for me.  I haven't been as good as I'd like to be about exercising, but I am staying mobile and limber by stretching and doing yoga at home.  I have learned that I have to have generally two periods of my day for laying down in order to keep my lower back pain-free.  Too much standing and sitting really make my back ache after awhile, and laying down is the only thing that helps, so I try to lie down for about 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes before I start cooking dinner in the evening.  This has only been possible because my kids are older this time around... I mean, Jack is almost 3.5.  That's a huge difference from my last pregnancy, when Luke was 20 months old!

31 weeks- the day of Luke's 5th birthday party

Because of that fact (that Jack is so much older), I have been pretty optimistic during this pregnancy that my recovery will go smoother.  Physically I've always recovered pretty easily, but mentally and emotionally it's been hard.  But, then I had babies when I gave birth- now I have big kids.  Still, I'm preparing for my postpartum recovery by setting up "nursing stations" around the house (making sure I have a soft place to sit to nurse, and a basket with all my nursing accessories, and a place to put my glass of water), creating an easy to-do list for anyone who wants to come over and help for 20 minutes, hiring some cleaning help at least once a month,  preparing some new games/books for the kids to play with when they get bored and I'm stuck nursing, filling my freezer with already-cooked meals, and perhaps the ickiest thing of all- I'm encapsulating my placenta!  Yes, it means what you think- someone is going to prepare it for me by drying it, grinding it, and putting it into little pills for me to ingest.  Yummy! ;-)  I am also considering running/walking a 5K in March- nothing huge but just enough of a small goal to get my up and exercising as soon as my body is ready.

I had my last doula client about a month ago, and my next client should be in May/June.  In the mean time, business is on hold, which is sort of sad but of course a necessary and good thing for me!  Everyone is asking me if I'm hiring a doula.  It's tricky.  I know and of course I fully believe in everything that I do as a doula.  I spoil mamas during labor and they love it- at least this is what they tell me!  I know how awesome that would be for me and I want that- I really do!  BUT.  My last labor was 4 hours long, and I didn't want ANYONE to touch or talk to me.  I've said before that it was painless up until the pushing part.  So for me, I am not sure that I want to hire someone (and frankly, I am really not sure who I'd hire) to maybe be a part of my birth experience. That being said, I do have a sweet friend who has offered to come be my doula if I go into labor and change my mind for whatever reason.  Which is possible- I know that not all labors are the same, and if the baby is malpositioned or there's something else going on, I realize it could very easily be a long and painful experience.  I am thankful to have her sort of on-call for me to help in case I need it, though I do feel like I'm perhaps not "practicing what I preach" by not hiring a doula!  But at this point, I'm comfortable with my decision- it's very possible I'll chicken out in a week or two and scramble to frantically hire someone!

I have been nesting the past couple of weeks, accomplishing more in a week than I previously had accomplished in a month.  For example, in only one day last week, I deep-cleaned my bedroom and organized my closet, pulled out my sewing machine and made a Christmas pillowcase, did 4 loads of laundry (and folded it and put it away), and deep-cleaned that pantry (which included organizing the games and craft supplies)- all this in addition to resting, praying, reading a fiction book for pleasure, schooling, and cooking.  My whole week was like that!  Talk about feeling accomplished!

I did manage to catch a cold last week.  Probably the same crud everyone else has right now- a dry, hacking cough that makes my head hurt each time I cough.  That cough, in addition to the baby being so big and pushing up on my lungs, meant I could hardly breath last night, and I just wanted to collapse in tears, but I knew crying certainly wouldn't help clear out my nose!  It was the start of an anxiety-filled emotional breakdown, and I had a hard time catching my breath and getting control of it.  I need to shake this cough fast- not being able to breath because you're pregnant is one thing- but not being able to breath because you're sick AND pregnant is a whole 'nother feeling!

So baby has a few more weeks to finish growing, and I'm praying this one decides to come early before the due date.  I would love to have the baby before Christmas, to put some distance between his/her birthday and Beth's birthday.  Also I'd love to not birth another almost 10-pound baby, though I certainly know my body can do it. ;-) 

Today- 36 weeks

Being pregnant during Advent add another element of solemnness to the season.  We don't celebrate Christmas yet- we're waiting for Jesus to come.  I walked the journey with Mary seven years ago when I was pregnant with Bethany, and the Lord has decided that I should walk with her again this year.  All of the Advent hymns about "waiting"... They mean something a little different when you're about to burst with child.

All-in-all I am not about to complain about anything during this pregnancy. It's been pretty textbook perfect, and although there are aches and pains here and there I am just beyond thankful and so blessed to be carrying another child into this world!!!

Too Busy?

The other day I posted on my Facebook status that I am entering my busy, hectic, crazy time of year, and I warned people in advance that I may be delayed in returning texts/calls/emails/etc.  I had several people respond back to me privately and ask if it was still okay that we got together for such and such activity; it made me sit back and think.  I had meant to just let people know I was busy and not ignoring them, but it came across that I was TOO busy and didn't put them as a priority.

That made me sad.

I was reminded to prioritize, which I feel like I do pretty well lately.  I (usually) have no problem putting my kids first and saying "no" to other activities which I might otherwise like to participate for the sake of spending much-needed down time with my husband or kids.  My clients are a top priority too- afterall they're paying me not only for my support during their labor and delivery but for prenatal support too, and I want to maintain a reputation as a quick-responder (that's important in this biz!).

Does that mean that everyone else comes last?  That well-meaning friends who have a quick question should get the last bit of me?  I hate to think of it that way!!!

The more I thought about it, the more I was reminded that I do waste a lot of time.   Facebook is my virtual water cooler, where I gather with my "coworkers" (other moms or other doulas) to catch up or ask a question.  I don't feel bad about that.  But in reality, I should probably cut back... and offer that time to those who have reached out to contact me.

Then the next day I was thinking that it's so odd that 20 years ago, we had three methods of contacting people: via a land line, mail, or just dropping by their home.  Now.  Sheesh.  Land line, cell phone, text, Facebook messenger, email on my phone, email on my computer, instant messenger, and I'm sure other ways I'm unaware of.  Maybe that's the problem, why I can't keep up with people- I can't remember how they contacted me!

Is this a matter of needing to downsize?  I really don't know how I'd manage my business without a smart phone.  I don't have a land line (though I think we'll need one in the next several years as the kids get older).  What else can I be rid of?  Really, I can't think of anything- I guess it's a matter of just being organized or having a better memory!

I am staying pretty organized these days though, overall.  My body loves my pregnancy hormones and for some reason I'm sleeping really well and feeling very well-rested in the mornings.  So, despite:

• daily homeschooling
• co-op Thursdays
• after-school activities: Beth's soccer on Mondays, Luke's on Fridays, and two games on Saturdays; girl's club and boy's club; art classes; nature class; field trips (library, zoo, etc); and maybe an occasional play date
• client meetings and births (2 left until I take my own maternity leave!)
• typical house work (fall decorating!)
• midwife and chiropractor appointments
• preparing for birth days and holy days and liturgical seasons

I am really doing okay!  I know it sounds like a lot, but I have found that since I'm not feeling so exhausted in the mornings, I'm actually waking up earlier than the kids come downstairs.  I'm getting dressed, visiting with Ryan, making coffee and oatmeal, and sometimes even saying my morning prayers before I invite the kids to come down.  It's really made more time for me to get centered before the busy-ness of the day begins, and it's helped me have a better attitude throughout the day (or maybe that's those happy pregnancy hormones again!).

I do not expect it to be this way after baby comes.  Hey, let's be realistic here!

Today on Facebook I saw this article posted.  I nearly had to sit down- I thought the timing was pretty ironic given my post about being busy!  It gave me mixed feelings though, because though I use the word "busy" quite often, I don't feel like my life is out of control either.  I don't feel like I'm slammed or pulled in too many directions- at least not yet.  I schedule downtime for us- Charlotte Mason calls it "masterly inactivity."  "Wise and purposeful letting alone."  For example, today was our stay-at-home day, with no activities.  I considered scheduling a playdate but I'm glad I didn't; the kids went outside after breakfast and stayed outside until lunch time for a total of three hours of outdoor playtime.  Then they had lunch and a short rest time, we schooled after rest time, then they went back outside to have a snack and play more until Ryan came home.  I love that the weather is changing and the shadows are moving and they're happy to play outside again!

I am going to take the author's advice and try to say "busy" less often.  I will saunter and mosey (though I think I may need cowboy boots for that) and I will meander and linger.  I will try not to rush, but to be present in my moments.  Maybe then my mind will clear up enough that I can remember who is trying to reach me and what I need to do to address their calls.

Besides, if the kids do tomorrow what they did today, I will have plenty of time and no excuses to get my work and my playing done.  Today, for example, I organized my recipe binder, vaccumed and cleaned downstairs, rearranged a few things in my bedroom, went to the chiropractor, made these guys:

Schooled, read to the kids, and made a nicer-than-normal dinner.  I still need to get ready for co-op tomorrow.  I love this extra energy, and I'm going to take advantage of it while I can!

So I guess the point of my rambling is that while I have a busy calendar, I love y'all and I hope to make you more of a priority!  And I'm going to stay busy but also meander through my day.  And as I stare my third trimester in its face, I'm going to try to get healthier and hopefully keep up this good energy a little bit longer!

Baby N.

Another perk to birthday week last week was it also happened to be the time for our 20-week ultrasound!  Baby checked out fine, healthy and beautiful, and honestly I think I see a bit of family resemblance already!  As planned, we are not finding out the gender of this baby ahead of time- gender remains a secret from the world!  I am so excited that we were strong enough to wait!

I was almost 22 weeks when we had this ultrasound, and here's my belly pic.  I am so proud of it!  I can't believe I'm already halfway done, that I'm gestating a healthy baby, and having a relatively easy pregnancy so far.  The only tricky part- which is really more of an inconvenience than a health problem I think- is that my varicose veins on my left leg flared up pretty badly as I hit my second trimester.  I ordered some new prescription-strength compression hose and have been experiencing some relief, though I won't have complete relief till the pregnancy is over and my blood volume goes back to normal.  I am not sure if I'll have to have another (or choose to have) another vein procedure- I guess we will see how it goes after baby is born!

We are still bouncing around name ideas.  I have a couple of girl names that I love, and we're still stuck on those tough boy names.  Luckily we still have a while to figure it all out.  But if you ask Ryan, he's likely to tell you some outlandish silly name with a straight face, so whether or not you choose to believe him- you've been warned!

This baby is so active.  Which is funny because I didn't feel any definite movement until the baby I was 18 weeks and 6 days- then that day, all of the sudden, baby went WILD and has not stopped.  I suspected I had an anterior placenta because of the lack of fetal movement I was feeling, and the fact that we always had such a hard time finding the heartbeat using the doppler.  It was confirmed at the ultrasound that the placenta is in fact anterior, but that really means very little except that we might have a hard time hearing the heartbeat.  And frankly that doesn't worry me anymore since I'm having my guts constantly kicked- I know s/he is active and well in there!

Summer According to Instagram

art camp

Beth started her summer with an art camp at a local art league.  She went three days for two hours each day, and was in a "class" with one other girl her age.  They focused on jungle animals and learned different techniques.  She had fun and I could see her employing the techniques at home after her camp was over.  It's nice to know she had fun AND learned something. :)

stealing tomatoes from my garden

We had an abundant crop of small tomatoes this year, orange grape tomatoes.  Once the kids figured out they liked them, I couldn't keep them from sneaking outside to pull tomatoes and eat them in the backyard.  They even picked the ones that weren't ripe yet and ate those too.  Ryan and I couldn't complain... After all, they were eating tomatoes, and getting to them before the cardinals found them and started stealing the rest.

hunting lizards in the garden

Even though it was a million degrees, since it hardly rained the mosquitoes were practically nonexistent this year.  We can handle the heat, so most afternoons the kids donned swimsuits and headed outside for playtime in our plastic baby pool.

refinishing a pew for the house

We haven't had too many house projects- I think we were still a little burnt out from the kitchen remodel- but we have a few things in mind.  This pew came to us from a neighbor, and though Ryan has fixed it up I have yet to paint it!

a staple in her head

Beth, our stunt girl, was standing on a moving swing at a friend's house and tripped on her skirt, falling and hitting her head on the fort.  After a few minutes of lots and lots of blood, I decided to take her to the emergency room.  Sure enough, she had a gash big enough to warrant a single staple, or some stitches- and the ER doctor gave her the option of what she wanted.  She chose a staple, I think partly because Finley had had surgery a few days prior and he himself had a few staples!

riding on two wheels!

He just took off one day!  Ryan spray painted Beth's old bike, which is really small and low to the ground, I think the lower center of gravity helped! 

summer reading program and trips to the library

The kids participated in the summer reading program at the library, and it really boosted Beth's interest in reading as much as she could and recording everything on her reading log.  Their prize pack was a bunch of coupons to places we'll never eat, but they each got a certificate that that all treasured!

18 weeks pregnant with Baby Gumbo

My pregnancy is going well.  Every day we are feeling so blessed!  The kids are loving watching my belly grow, asking me if the baby can hear them yet, if he's reading books, and if he's wearing clothes.  It's so cute to watch them be so curious!

Announcing...

For anyone who hasn't heard the news yet: I'm expecting!

I conceived only about a couple of weeks after my March loss, giving this baby an expected due date of December 28, 2013.  Yes, that is one day after Beth's 7th birthday!  Given my history of going "late" with my pregnancies, I have a feeling this baby might be a 2014 baby after all.  I am currently 14 weeks pregnant, have seen this baby once at an ultrasound visit at around 8 weeks, and just yesterday I heard the heartbeat on an external doppler monitor.  It was in the 160s- happy happy happy baby.  All I could think of was, "Thank you Jesus for the gift of this life."

We have told all friends and family, everyone has known for quite awhile now.  As I start to show, everyone else is finding out too.  I have no problem telling the world; my blog readers know I am an open book!  We have received mostly excited, joy-filled congratulations, but a few comments have been full of misunderstanding from people who don't know us all that well.  I am not a person who gets offended easily so it doesn't bother me, but I was pondering that until we- as a society- learn to accept that a baby is a gift and a unique, individual being from the moment of conception, there will always be "those" sorts of comments when a mother announces a pregnancy.

10 weeks

 I grieve for anyone who thinks that children are a burden.  Yes, they can be difficult to handle sometimes, but I don't think that's their fault.  They are establishing identity and autonomy...growing up. It's in my human weakness that I fail to understand how to best care for them during these difficult times, because I myself am not perfect.  They are not me, despite our similarities, and when I treat them as a miniature adult instead of a learning child, I am the one with the problem.  I don't want to give of myself enough for them; I am the one failing to sacrifice for them. But they are not the burden.

In the eyes of the Lord, who breathed LIFE into each of us at the moment of our conception, we are individual and unique and HIS.  We are not parasites living off of our mother's bodies.  We are not small blobs of tissue. Even if our mother's didn't plan for us, we are wanted by Him, still created for a purpose and with meaning!

13 weeks

 So even though this baby was planned and very much wanted, please rethink calling me a baby-making machine or telling me I'm just "popping them out."  Granted, most of these people don't know my history, but these attitudes are that of a culture that does not respect life.  It's hurtful and rude to someone who loves life and experienced pregnancy loss.  I am following God's plan for my life by taking part in his creative power and creating souls for Him.  I hope I am able to pass on to my children the gift that they are to me and to Him, even if other people don't see the value and worth in each of our lives.

No Baby Yet

Yes, the little one is few days "late." This is truly a lesson in "letting go and letting God," because every time I try to find a new natural way to induce labor, nothing continues to happen.

So, here I am at 40+4, which means he's gone as long has his older brother. Monday we tried to induce labor by having my midwife strip my membranes, but my cervix was still so high that she couldn't reach up far enough to do anything productive. In fact, she couldn't even tell if I'd dilated at all. Today I went in for a chiropractic adjustment and he offered acupuncture, and I accepted. Still, nothing. I went back to my midwife for my regularly-scheduled appointment and asked her to try again, but nothing had changed since Monday. She did discover with her poking and prodding that his head is slightly off my cervix, so he's not really pressing up against me enough to get labor going. She assured me that since this is my third baby, things will probably get going pretty quickly once he lines up correctly (he's still head down, left occiput anterior, which is the right way for him to be). She suggested I do lots of lunges to try to open up my pelvis even more.

And so we wait.

Pending Labor

Saturday morning I woke up and thought I was about to go into labor. I gave my midwife a call to explain my symptoms and she predicted I'd go into labor within 48 hours. It was incredibly nerve-wrecking to think I was on the edge all weekend long, only to have nothing happen. We spent Saturday getting our last-minute things done, mostly installing the infant car seat into Ryan's car. Good thing too, because I'd forgotten how to switch the straps to the smallest setting and it took me awhile to figure it out!

After mass on Sunday, I spent some time praying and anticipating labor and delivery. I started crying because I felt so overwhelmed and so very scared all of the sudden. I think I was able to relate to Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane because I felt like I was begging God to let me bypass this pain that I know I'm about to go through, as silly as that sounds. Laboring with Luke, specifically through transition and pushing, is the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. It's the closest I've felt to death and total despair.

Knowing that I am inevitably going to experience this again is a double-edged sword. I want to go into labor now because I am so incredibly uncomfortable, I am ready to have my body back and I am ready to meet my son. I am ready for this next phase of my life. BUT in order for me to achieve this, I have to experience labor again. I'm physically prepared as there's not much more I can do at this point besides continuing to take my vitamins. Mentally I think I'm up for the challenge. For some reason though, on Sunday morning, my hormones and emotions caught up with me and I just let it all go.

I am so thankful my priest was there and able to talk to me, to remind me that the devil slips in where we're weak to make us despair and tell us we're not good enough. That I'm not good enough for this path He's laid out for me. We chose life for this baby and Ryan and I have no doubts that God has huge plans for his life.

So I'll offer my suffering for those special intentions, especially for those people who want nothing more than to hold their own baby in their arms but haven't yet been blessed. It gives me great strength knowing that my suffering is not in vain.

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me; still, not my will but yours be done." Luke 22:42

Beth's first dance production

I've noticed I'm posting less frequently lately, and it's not that nothing is going on. I don't even think it has much to do with the fact that I only have 6 days until my due date! I've just been a little behind on my game, not to mention the fact that Ryan and I have a free one-month trial to Netflix! We've been watching movies in the evenings. :-) So here's what I haven't blogged about this week...

Beth's dance production was on Friday, and she did wonderfully! I was very concerned about the timing since the production didn't start until 7:30, and her class didn't perform until after intermission! She hung in there though! I totally wasn't supposed to take any pictures, but I turned off my flash and snuck a few. Ryan wants to buy the DVD of the entire production so we'll have that on hand for anyone who wants to see Beth's first recital!

(beth is in the yellow costume right in the middle)

she received lots of beautiful flowers after it was over!

This week was also a big week for Finley. Poor guy had to have three teeth pulled! We brought him in on Friday for his annual checkup and his first teeth cleaning. His breath has been horrid lately, and as it turns out he had pretty bad gingivitis, a cracked tooth and two teeth rotting as a result of the gingivitis. Ick, poor guy! I have no idea how he got a cracked tooth since he's an indoor-only dog and doesn't ever chew on anything! I am hoping that after this round of antibiotics, his breath will be much better, lol.

We didn't have a big weekend project this weekend, instead, Ryan's been working on the kid's bathroom all week. He painted it yellow, and it took one coat of primer and three coats of paint plus touch ups to get it right! That's a LOT of painting! To tone it down, we picked a brown shower curtain with colored dots. I think it looks pretty good, very cheery but not overly kiddish.

Yesterday morning I thought I was going into labor, and even my midwife said it'd probably be 24-48 hours until labor began. So all weekend long we've been anticipating hard contractions, and I haven't felt anything. It was very disappointing and really stressful to keep thinking that any second now, things could get started. I have a checkup with my midwife tomorrow (I was 39 weeks yesterday), but there's not much she can tell me that I don't already know. I guess we'll just have to keep waiting. :-/

No pics

If you're wondering why I've been sort of MIA lately, it's because I took Beth and Luke to visit my parents last weekend to help celebrate my brother's birthday and First Holy Communion. Alex is my godson, and it just happened that we celebrated both events on the same weekend! Pretty convenient (for me!). Ryan was planning on coming with us but instead drove up to be with family and attend his cousin's funeral.

I left my USB cable at my parent's house so I have no pics to post right now, I'll add some more later once I get it back. We had a nice trip- we missed Daddy a lot, but the kids always enjoy playing with their aunt and uncles!

We're home and are back into the swing of things, though it seems we all have small colds. Beth and Luke have very runny noses, and Ryan and I sort of had colds near the end of last week. Nothing big enough worth going to the doctor about though, thankfully!

We have plans this weekend to fix up our guest bedroom; we had a new queen-sized mattress delivered on Tuesday so we actually have a place for guests to sleep now! Oddly, I have no queen-sized bed sheets (Beth has a full and we have a king!) so I need to buy sheets, and Ryan and I hope to organize that closet (which has become a dumping ground for things that we can't seem to find a place for in this house).

I'll be 35 weeks pregnant on Saturday, and so far my nesting instincts haven't really kicked in yet. I've been very relaxed about the pending arrival of this baby, probably a little too relaxed. I mean, we don't even have a name picked out yet! I've pulled out baby boy clothes and have been given a few disposable diapers, but other than that I've done absolutely nothing. This child has no bedroom (why bother?) and only one or two brand-new clothing items. I know where everything I need is- the pack and play, my slings, the swing and bouncy chair, and the car seat. Okay, I'll have to install the car seat at some point since I'm pretty sure I'm the only person who knows how to actually install it into the car. ;-) I think I already have everything I'll need to take care of myself post-partum (everything is leftover from Luke!), and I just can't think of anything else I need to do! I'm amazed at how relaxed I am about this, but I bet some instinct or something will kick in soon and I'll start feeling the need to power wash the house. ;-)

Ultrasound!

Today I had a busy morning! Grandma came to stay with the kids so I could run out- first stop was my chiropractor since I have been having a hard time walking! After that, and a short stop at the bank, I went to see my midwife. In that practice, there are two midwives, and one of them is pregnant- a few weeks ahead of me. This is the same midwife who delivered Luke, so I'm pretty sad that I know for sure that she won't be the one to deliver this boy too (she was awesome). I've pretty much seen her my entire pregnancy though, and I'm betting today will be my last day to see her before she delivers her baby... Anyway, my weight is absolutely frightening (I'm higher now than I was with the last two, yet I still have 8 weeks left!) but my health is good. Ryan met me for a follow-up ultrasound to check the placement of the placenta, and it's moved very far up so it definitely will not be an issue. Everything else looks good too, we got a good 3D picture of him with his hand by his face- and his foot by his hand! He's really crammed in there! The tech estimated he is 5 lbs 1 oz, quite a bit above what the average 31 week baby should be...Yay. :-b

After that reassuring appointment I stopped by a Carters store to grab a "big brother" and a "big sister" t-shirt for Beth and Luke, then went by Sams to buy a million dollars worth of diapers. Beth only wears her diapers for night time (and the occasional nap) but we haven't put Luke back in cloth yet since we're having some technical issues. Like, the diaper sprayer isn't installed and the hot water isn't working so well on our washing machine. Two things that neither of us can physically fix right now, so I'm trying to let myself not stress out about it. I feel so wasteful spending money on disposable diapers when I have a huge stash sitting her waiting for me, but I'm spoiled (and my son makes very disgusting, very frequent dirty diapers!) so I won't do cloth without my sprayer.

They loved their t-shirts and insisted upon wearing them right away. I grabbed my camera for a pic, but I'll get around to uploading it tomorrow!

Boxes

I remember when I was about 7 years old, we got a new sofa (I think it was). It came in a huge box, and I remember playing in our backyard with this huge box, I guess with my brother and friends (it's blurry- that was over 20 years ago!). I loved that it was so big, we could crawl inside, knock the box on its side, and stand up and we couldn't reach the top. I'm pretty sure we gave that box a run for its money!

Beth and Luke just don't know how good they have it right now! We have easily 20 empty boxes in our living room right now, and they're barely batting an eyelash at them! I built them a fort and put a sheet over the top to prove to them how cool it could be. They played in it for quite awhile, till a certain party pooper had to start knocking the boxes over causing his sister to cry! They pushed some of the boxes aside to make little windows, and moved the flap of one box over to create a little door-very creative! They're not so interested to go inside the boxes as they are to climb on top, but they still had a really great time.



Ryan and I are slowly packing up the house. A lot of the easy stuff to pack has been the more personal stuff- picture frames and other knick-knacks we had out, so the house is feeling a little de-personalized to me now. With all the boxes out- some full and some empty- the living room will definitely never be the same in this house. I've cleaned out the hall closet and the kid's rooms, packing 3-5 boxes a day and pacing myself since it seems I'm cramping up pretty easily these days.

I'd forgotten to mention I had a midwife appointment on Monday for a regular checkup. Everything seems well, I got to feel Frisbee's head bob around between my hands (it was right above and to the right of my belly button). She asked me if I could identify where he was and I got it right- so cool. :-) I have gained a whopping 8 lbs in the past month-yikes! I definitely went through a phase where I was starving all the time, and I can tell that phase is over now. Apparently a rapid weight gain is common around this time, but I just don't remember that happening with Beth or Luke! Next time they'll pull blood to check my iron and they'll also perform the one-hour gestational diabetes test. I can feel him having the hiccups now, and while I generally am feeling okay I can tell my body is really starting to stretch out. I keep bumping into doorways or corners, forgetting my size, and my underbelly always feels very taught. Here's where it gets fun. :-b

22 weeks

Bending over to buckle a shoe
is becoming a near-impossible task to do,

And sometimes I could swear this baby is going to stick an arm out
just to wave hi.

My bones creak and ache
as my hips prepare to separate
during birth.

He moves around so much,
flipping, kicking and punching.
Daddy hopes for a future soccer player,
I'm just hoping to make it another 18 weeks.

I can't pick up my daughter for fear of strain,
and my son is becoming aware of the pending change
as we frequently talk about the baby in mommy's growing belly.

My tummy now rumbles all the time,
begging for a snack,
I stuff my face with food so fine,
then am ready for a nap.

With new resolve to care for my baby and body,
I hope to start full of gumption,
Afraid of a 10-pound baby I am,
so I must reduce my sugar consumption!

Vitamins and stretching,
exercise or walking,
I must get out there and "just do it,"
and stop my incessant talking.

My hopes and dreams for this boy
still without a name...

God has big plans for him,
this I have no doubt.
From the moment of his conception,
Another little soul for Christ,
His praises to holler and shout!

Halfway!

I'm 20 weeks along already, and as you've seen- it's a boy! I was sooo wrong, I would have bet a lot of money on a girl! Our ultrasound went well, though we'd like to ask for some prayers. My placenta is low so we'll have another ultrasound at about 30 weeks to make sure it's moved upward, away from the cervical opening. This is the most common route- imagine my uterus as a balloon that's being blown up. Pick a point on the balloon as it's only halfway blown up, and notice that as it continues to expand, that point should move upward. That point is where the placenta is attached, and the problem is only if the placenta stays so low that the baby can't leave the uterus in through the cervix. So, please keep us in your prayers- and know that we'll have another ultrasound in about 10 weeks!

We haven't picked a name for this child yet. We have a few narrowed down but it's been a very difficult decision this time around!

What else is going on... Let's see... Luke is still sick, but seemed to be in better spirits today. He's got a horrible nasty runny nose and was sneezing, coughing, and had red eyes. Today he looked a little better though, and actually played on his own for awhile. It's so hard to see him sick but the extra cuddle time is kind of nice for me. :-)

Beth is dancing and singing a lot more than normal these days! We checked out a book called Angelina Ballerina (A and B!) and I'm pretty sure it's encouraged her to dance a little more around the house! We've also checked out a few books by Karma Wilson that we're really enjoying. The Bear books, like Bear Wants More, are very cute, and Beth really likes them! She's also requesting that we sing "new" songs... Ryan and I are really struggling with this! We've resorted to singing Christmas songs and the Star Spangled Banner because we're running out of ideas for kid's songs, lol. We're halfway through our "B" week, I'll have a few things to update next week!

a brother!

Tomorrow!

Tomorrow's the big day! We're having our ultrasound to find out if we're having a boy or a girl this time around! Wish us luck!

19 weeks- already squished up! (from babycenter.com)

Chiropractor

I went to my first chiropractor visit today, and boy was it something else! I was nervous going into it, but I've had plenty of people assure me it's a good and wonderful thing to do while pregnant. So I tried it.

I have to tell you, when he had me lay down and he had his hands near the base of my head, I wasn't sure what was going on. He told me to relax and let my head roll, then all of the sudden CRACK. I laid still and started giggling- it seemed like I should be dead or paralyzed after hearing a sound like that! He did the other side of my neck, then my back and that was it. He did some other funky stuff that I didn't much care for or believe (NMT I think), but I think I will go back for "adjustments." I have been so loose and have experienced no soreness as a result of the visit, my head feels very unconstrained if that makes any sense.

News!

We have an executed contract on our house! Wohoo! That was the first hurdle, the next hurdle is a big one: the appraisal. We have entered the 14-day option period in which the buyers are ordering an appraisal; if our house doesn't appraisal as high as we need it to in order to justify our seller's contribution, then we'll need to re-work the contact or possibly terminate it all together. So in 2 weeks we'll know if this house is officially "sold" or not!

In the meantime, we had something sort of wild happen last night. Our Realtor came over to our house to bring us the paperwork for this contract, and literally minutes before he arrived we found out the price of our "dream home" had been dropped $15,000! That's so wild- the timing is uncanny. So after talking it over, we decided that we're going to offer on our "dream home" and see if they'll accept a contingent offer. That is also very up-in-the-air, hopefully we'll know by next week if they will accept it or not.

For good measure, here's a belly shot from last weekend. Yesterday I *saw* movement from one side of my belly to the other, I am extremely nervous that I'm growing a giant!

belly shot- 18 weeks