Oh, February.
The month when all homeschooling parents simultaneously let out a giant, collective sigh.
Short dreary days, restless children cooped up in the house, mud stains all over the floor. Discarded gloves, hats, and coats by wet boots on the porch. We're lethargic and sluggish, somewhat suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, and craving some sunlight on our skin.
Trudging through math lessons and flashcards, wondering if we'll see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. Are we halfway through with the book yet?
We're craving something delightful, but even tea and poetry doesn't feel the same when it's raining outside.
Catalogs of new materials promising a better school year and happy students start arriving in the mail. I can't look at these yet as we still have three solid months left of this school year.
Three. Solid. Months.
By the end of February, I'm feeling a little hopeful. The sun is out more frequently now, and the coats are stuffed back into the closet. While I'm dreading allergy season, it's a welcome relief to see eager leaf buds, azaleas in bloom, and tiny lettuces popping up through the dirt in my garden. There are even some fragrant orange blossoms on the tree that lived through the freeze.
We've past the halfway mark of the math book. We have only 12 history lessons left!
I find relief in a new mug filled with hot tea and a good book that promises peace in my heart by trusting in God's plan for our family. The day stays busy and loud but we take time to pray and eat, gather and separate, work and play.
Lent is beginning only today, but is welcome because we must fast before we can feast.
February is the Lent of my school year. It's the fast, the dark night when I'm blinded to the progress of my students. We're naturally all a little more solemn, a little less celebratory. Some days we trudge along to the routine, happy to have something to cling to when otherwise we might just stay in bed all day. But we are learning; there is inner growth.
I've learned that February comes, but it also goes. Knowing that certain phases in life are just that- a phase- can sometimes be the only consolation during those dark nights. Sometimes there's no lesson other than just to be still and wait.
They're doing their lessons, practicing their piano, and reading their books. They can't see the little bits of growth that happen every day, but I pray they will recognize it in May. When they check 8 month's worth of progress pages of their handwriting books, or when they go back into their drawing notebooks and laugh at how they drew a knight last summer. When they see a workbook filled with completed math tests, or a notebook with sketches and writings about their favorite saints.
Or when he can read an entire book outloud to me.
As much as I pray to enjoy the moments placed before me every day, in February I look ahead. I practice patience and contentment and beg God to get me through.
Welcome, March 1. You're so very welcomed in my home!
Showing posts with label motherhood reflections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood reflections. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 1
Sunday, January 1
2017
2017 is here, Happy New Year!
Yesterday morning, Ryan an I had the opportunity to go out to breakfast together and have a "family meeting." You probably know that he and I are planners- to a fault sometimes- but it makes us both feel better to have discussions and put ideas to good old fashioned paper. A friend send me the idea of making a planning "web," so we tried that out. (On a side note, one of my favorite places to get coffee and breakfast in a unique space is shutting their doors, and we just happened to go in on their last day open. I was so sad to hear that but so happy we got to have one more breakfast date there!)
We had categories that included "travel," "home improvement," "self care," "education," and several more. From there we placed our ideas, upcoming events, to-do projects, and needs.
This year I've decided I'm really going to focus on figuring some things out about myself. Child birth always makes me reflective, and this time has been no exception. Also I turn 35 this year and I feel like with Beth just turning 10, I'm approaching a new time in my life. Parenting has definitely evolved as the kids have gotten older, but I'm also learning and understanding more now about my needs and how to survive the next 18+ years of having children at home!
Ryan and some friends are really into the personality testing, specifically the four temperaments and the Myers Briggs personality testing. I'm never the kind of person that likes to be fit into a box or category. Heck, even as a Catholic who believes and practices everything the church professes, I feel like I'm not what people expect me to be. But I'll admit there's been something relieving about reading about my "type" or "temperament" and just feeling at home with the general blanket statements, and it's helped me to understand more about how I interact with the world (and therefore how I can do a better job at it!). Not only that but it's helped me to understand Ryan better, and therefore to respect certain dispositions about him.
For example, I'm pretty melancholic. I'm introverted, and I am slow to react to external stimuli, because it takes me awhile to process information. This means I'm not so great in the heat of a moment, don't always take a gift or compliment well, and maybe seem like I'm "too good" to talk to someone when really I'm a little shy and fumble over my words as I'm trying to understand that person. I'm no good at small talk, I prefer to dive into deep conversations with those who I trust. These have been important realizations to me because I've considered myself sort of awkward when I meet new people sometimes, or why I can never think of the right words to say when given a gift. It was important for Ryan to understand this about me to because when he gave me a beautiful necklace for Mother's Day, I just sort of smiled and said thanks. I was absolutely stunned, but it took awhile to sink in! Knowing this is who I am- who God made me to be- is so freeing, because it took away the thought that I was somehow ungrateful.
I am also an ISFJ- "The Nurturer." I have a strong sense of responsibility, am the first to jump in to help, see the best in people and situations, and value aesthetic function of my home! Well, there's so much more than that, but reading about this personality type has helped me to understand my reaction to conflict, and why I have a deep need for peace and non-conflict. My whole world can get thrown off because of conflict, so when my beliefs or deep-seated feelings are not compatible with the beliefs of others, I tend to shy away. I think this is part of the reason I had to leave social media for awhile. But I'm not sure that's the "right" way to handle certain situations, so I'm trying to learn how to engage in meaningful discussion (not argument!) instead. As in all things, it's a learning process though, and it doesn't always go well.
Throughout the year, I hope to help identify some of these characteristics in my children, so that I can be a more effective teacher to them and help them pursue the talents that God has gifted to them. It's definitely been beneficial to talk to Ryan about these things, and I can only see how it would be a good thing to work on with the children, too.
I've spoken with several people recently about the current buzzword "authenticity." I've always liked that word, but I think now people are talking about it more because on social media, you can make yourself out to be whomever you want. And for some people, that's backfiring. Long ago I stopped reading blogs and following Instagram accounts that seemed too perfect. I know in my head that no one is perfect, but I am the kind of person that needs to see some of the mess, to know I'm not alone in my messy life. The perfectionism I was seeing online made me a little jealous, because it was something I desired but couldn't have! It wasn't a good thing for my heart or my soul! I've always tried to keep this blog real, but positive- a true reflection of who I strive to be.
In 2017, I hope to explore what this means for me. I hope to cut back on the things that pull me down, make my heart unsettled, and turn my focus away from the Lord. I hope to better understand how God made me and by using my gifts to nurture my family and the community around me. I want to make some new friends, explore a new part of the country, and get better about making meal plans and sticking to them! I think it's all going to be harder than it sounds!
Yesterday morning, Ryan an I had the opportunity to go out to breakfast together and have a "family meeting." You probably know that he and I are planners- to a fault sometimes- but it makes us both feel better to have discussions and put ideas to good old fashioned paper. A friend send me the idea of making a planning "web," so we tried that out. (On a side note, one of my favorite places to get coffee and breakfast in a unique space is shutting their doors, and we just happened to go in on their last day open. I was so sad to hear that but so happy we got to have one more breakfast date there!)
We had categories that included "travel," "home improvement," "self care," "education," and several more. From there we placed our ideas, upcoming events, to-do projects, and needs.
This year I've decided I'm really going to focus on figuring some things out about myself. Child birth always makes me reflective, and this time has been no exception. Also I turn 35 this year and I feel like with Beth just turning 10, I'm approaching a new time in my life. Parenting has definitely evolved as the kids have gotten older, but I'm also learning and understanding more now about my needs and how to survive the next 18+ years of having children at home!
Ryan and some friends are really into the personality testing, specifically the four temperaments and the Myers Briggs personality testing. I'm never the kind of person that likes to be fit into a box or category. Heck, even as a Catholic who believes and practices everything the church professes, I feel like I'm not what people expect me to be. But I'll admit there's been something relieving about reading about my "type" or "temperament" and just feeling at home with the general blanket statements, and it's helped me to understand more about how I interact with the world (and therefore how I can do a better job at it!). Not only that but it's helped me to understand Ryan better, and therefore to respect certain dispositions about him.
For example, I'm pretty melancholic. I'm introverted, and I am slow to react to external stimuli, because it takes me awhile to process information. This means I'm not so great in the heat of a moment, don't always take a gift or compliment well, and maybe seem like I'm "too good" to talk to someone when really I'm a little shy and fumble over my words as I'm trying to understand that person. I'm no good at small talk, I prefer to dive into deep conversations with those who I trust. These have been important realizations to me because I've considered myself sort of awkward when I meet new people sometimes, or why I can never think of the right words to say when given a gift. It was important for Ryan to understand this about me to because when he gave me a beautiful necklace for Mother's Day, I just sort of smiled and said thanks. I was absolutely stunned, but it took awhile to sink in! Knowing this is who I am- who God made me to be- is so freeing, because it took away the thought that I was somehow ungrateful.
I am also an ISFJ- "The Nurturer." I have a strong sense of responsibility, am the first to jump in to help, see the best in people and situations, and value aesthetic function of my home! Well, there's so much more than that, but reading about this personality type has helped me to understand my reaction to conflict, and why I have a deep need for peace and non-conflict. My whole world can get thrown off because of conflict, so when my beliefs or deep-seated feelings are not compatible with the beliefs of others, I tend to shy away. I think this is part of the reason I had to leave social media for awhile. But I'm not sure that's the "right" way to handle certain situations, so I'm trying to learn how to engage in meaningful discussion (not argument!) instead. As in all things, it's a learning process though, and it doesn't always go well.
Throughout the year, I hope to help identify some of these characteristics in my children, so that I can be a more effective teacher to them and help them pursue the talents that God has gifted to them. It's definitely been beneficial to talk to Ryan about these things, and I can only see how it would be a good thing to work on with the children, too.
I've spoken with several people recently about the current buzzword "authenticity." I've always liked that word, but I think now people are talking about it more because on social media, you can make yourself out to be whomever you want. And for some people, that's backfiring. Long ago I stopped reading blogs and following Instagram accounts that seemed too perfect. I know in my head that no one is perfect, but I am the kind of person that needs to see some of the mess, to know I'm not alone in my messy life. The perfectionism I was seeing online made me a little jealous, because it was something I desired but couldn't have! It wasn't a good thing for my heart or my soul! I've always tried to keep this blog real, but positive- a true reflection of who I strive to be.
Thursday, April 21
Waiting
I rocked Caeli to sleep last night and noticed the shrinking size of my lap. In order to lean up against me, she has to arch her back a little over my baby bump and wrap her tan little legs around mine to keep from slipping off. This doesn't seem to bother her, but I notice.
And just like that, 17 weeks in, this pregnancy is flying by. Life carries on as usual but I notice those little things, things probably no one else notices or understands. But I notice.
I notice the change in my gait. My hips have widened and there's a small waddle that's been added to my walk.
I notice the placement of the firm part of my belly. It's not all firm, but where it is keeps me from bending over or even kickboxing the way I used to.
I notice the additional pangs of hunger from not eating enough of the "right" foods. Because when I eat, everyone wants to eat. And the idea of dirtying up multiple pots and pans in the morning just doesn't seem to be worth the extra work of cleaning it all up.
I notice the lightheadedness from the additional blood flowing through my body. The shortness of breath from one flight of stairs. The tiredness.
And the veins in my left leg. Oh boy do I notice them.
I've also started noticing something new. Little gentle kicks, pokes and jabs from a little person inside letting me know he* is there. He hasn't wasted any time with gentle flutters; this baby already know he's destined for the soccer field like his brothers and sisters.
The ebbs and flows of our day allow me time to sit and concentrate on waiting for those kicks. I place my hand on my lower abdomen and give a gentle but firm push, to let him know he has my full attention. More often than not, I think he knows I'm waiting for him and he responds with a push. Our two worlds meet through layers of skin and muscle and I'm reassured that he's still there, waiting for me too.
***I say "he" for the sake of ease, but we won't be finding out the gender of this baby before birth! It was too much fun last time not knowing that Caeli was a girl!
And just like that, 17 weeks in, this pregnancy is flying by. Life carries on as usual but I notice those little things, things probably no one else notices or understands. But I notice.
I notice the change in my gait. My hips have widened and there's a small waddle that's been added to my walk.
I notice the placement of the firm part of my belly. It's not all firm, but where it is keeps me from bending over or even kickboxing the way I used to.
I notice the additional pangs of hunger from not eating enough of the "right" foods. Because when I eat, everyone wants to eat. And the idea of dirtying up multiple pots and pans in the morning just doesn't seem to be worth the extra work of cleaning it all up.
I notice the lightheadedness from the additional blood flowing through my body. The shortness of breath from one flight of stairs. The tiredness.
And the veins in my left leg. Oh boy do I notice them.
I've also started noticing something new. Little gentle kicks, pokes and jabs from a little person inside letting me know he* is there. He hasn't wasted any time with gentle flutters; this baby already know he's destined for the soccer field like his brothers and sisters.
The ebbs and flows of our day allow me time to sit and concentrate on waiting for those kicks. I place my hand on my lower abdomen and give a gentle but firm push, to let him know he has my full attention. More often than not, I think he knows I'm waiting for him and he responds with a push. Our two worlds meet through layers of skin and muscle and I'm reassured that he's still there, waiting for me too.
***I say "he" for the sake of ease, but we won't be finding out the gender of this baby before birth! It was too much fun last time not knowing that Caeli was a girl!
Monday, February 1
An Announcement
I've been attending spiritual guidance with my trusted priest for nearly a year now. The fruits of someone to help me decipher God's will and plan for me has been both a blessing and a trail for me. The blessings of attending my beloved parish, the opportunities for spiritual growth through reading, talks, and long conversations with friends, and my own personal devotions has also made me a target for Satan. He's pulled out all sorts of tricks on me for a year now, attacking different parts of me that I can see in retrospect, were simply a failed means to make me feel worthless and meaningless. It's been a rough spiritual year.
But back to spiritual guidance. I bring in my issue that Satan has laid in front of me, and my guide helps me see God's love. I tell him I want to change the world, he reminds me that change begins at home. I say this group of people, he says your husband, sons, and daughters. He's doesn't squash my dreams, just reminds me of God's will. And each time I say yes and truly seek His plan, I am at peace.
I've always thought God had something huge in store for me, and I hope that doesn't sound egotistical. Even since high school, I've always felt He had a big plan for me. Figuring out exactly what that means in each stage of life isn't easy!
Today, I read a reflection that really hit the nail on the head and brought it all home for me.
But back to spiritual guidance. I bring in my issue that Satan has laid in front of me, and my guide helps me see God's love. I tell him I want to change the world, he reminds me that change begins at home. I say this group of people, he says your husband, sons, and daughters. He's doesn't squash my dreams, just reminds me of God's will. And each time I say yes and truly seek His plan, I am at peace.
I've always thought God had something huge in store for me, and I hope that doesn't sound egotistical. Even since high school, I've always felt He had a big plan for me. Figuring out exactly what that means in each stage of life isn't easy!
Today, I read a reflection that really hit the nail on the head and brought it all home for me.
"I sometimes get swept up by notions of the BIG IMPORTANT jobs God had for some folks. Saint Mary Magdalene: First witness to the resurrection. Saint Catherine of Siena: Restorer of the papacy. Saint Joan of Arc: Leader of armies.
I’ll tell him, “Hey God, if you need anyone to pass along some new doctrine, or convert the president, or conquer Canada . . . just let me know.”
So far, He just keeps sending babies."
(Go read the rest of Kendra's short reflection here.)
When I read those lines, I had to put my coffee down and re-read them, for you see- He has sent me a new baby. A reminder that my place is here, in this home, with our children. Another soul to raise for Him. My heart may want to serve the homeless and spread the good news to foreign lands, but for now He has once again reminded me that I need to be fully present here- serving my family and spreading the good news to them and those whose paths we cross.
I am grateful that He sees me fit to raise another soul (even though some days I might disagree), and that he's given me this gentle and wonderful reminder that my place in the world is right here, in this home.
(New Baby N. coming in early October!)
Thursday, January 14
Boys Live Here
Boys Live Here.
Tiny colored pieces hide against the dark wood grain, I find them as I sweep.
I sit on a Trio wrapped in yarn, they shout cheers that I've found the lost bucket of a crane. Didn't you know we were looking for that?
One eats and eats and eats. The other complains and complains and complains, but I know in my heart that one day I won't be able to keep enough food on his plate either.
Pants turn into capris. Socks get holes. And shoes get tossed aside because they're pinching toes.
And oh the mud. Mud, dirt, and sticks. Mud on boots and on jeans, dirt in every corner of the house. Sticks that have been carved into pocketknives and pencils.
I treasure precious gifts of parking lot rocks, yellow-flowered backyard weeds, and very wet kisses. They get this look in their eyes, a look I know will one day be for another woman, and they tell me they love me, and plant those kisses on my cheek. Or wrist or hip, wherever they can reach at the time.
The chandelier shakes and I hear their favorite singer yahhhh-yahhh-yahhhing the same song for the 11th time. Because "repeat" and "volume up" are their favorite buttons on their CD player.
They quarrel and argue. They disagree on how to build the castle, or who can be which colored knight. They can't find a belt and blame the other one for hiding it. They tease each other, and I know the younger of them usually quietly instigates before I hear the older one yell at him. They think I don't know.
They are the reasons I sport a few new gray hairs and keep a hidden stash of dark chocolate.
They keep this house lively and loud. And I love them to death.
Tiny colored pieces hide against the dark wood grain, I find them as I sweep.
I sit on a Trio wrapped in yarn, they shout cheers that I've found the lost bucket of a crane. Didn't you know we were looking for that?
One eats and eats and eats. The other complains and complains and complains, but I know in my heart that one day I won't be able to keep enough food on his plate either.
Pants turn into capris. Socks get holes. And shoes get tossed aside because they're pinching toes.
And oh the mud. Mud, dirt, and sticks. Mud on boots and on jeans, dirt in every corner of the house. Sticks that have been carved into pocketknives and pencils.
I treasure precious gifts of parking lot rocks, yellow-flowered backyard weeds, and very wet kisses. They get this look in their eyes, a look I know will one day be for another woman, and they tell me they love me, and plant those kisses on my cheek. Or wrist or hip, wherever they can reach at the time.
The chandelier shakes and I hear their favorite singer yahhhh-yahhh-yahhhing the same song for the 11th time. Because "repeat" and "volume up" are their favorite buttons on their CD player.
They quarrel and argue. They disagree on how to build the castle, or who can be which colored knight. They can't find a belt and blame the other one for hiding it. They tease each other, and I know the younger of them usually quietly instigates before I hear the older one yell at him. They think I don't know.
They are the reasons I sport a few new gray hairs and keep a hidden stash of dark chocolate.
They keep this house lively and loud. And I love them to death.
Sunday, December 20
Our Christmas Card, 2015 Edition
Hello! If you're here by way of our Christmas card, welcome!
Years have gone by and I keep meaning to type up a family newsletter to include in our Christmas cards, but for various reasons it hasn't happened and I haven't made it a priority. Then I realized I could include it here for anyone who would like a quick update on our family. :)
2015 has mostly come and gone in a fury! Our family took a major trip in September- a drive to the northeast to see family and Pope Francis, a few smaller weekend trips, Ryan and I celebrated our 10-year anniversary with a vow renewal and reception, Beth had a two-day stay in the hospital thanks to an infected cut, and we almost sold our house (twice). And we have three school-aged students now, which has been quite a change for me! We had a few major events, but for the most part we're continuing to all grow and change, each of us in our own time.
Ryan turned 35 this year, without fanfare! He celebrated 9 years with his company this year, a family-friendly 8-5 job at a local company that continues to treat him respectfully and generously. He used all of his vacation days this calendar year- which was a first! Ryan has enjoyed a few good books this year, reading alongside Beth in her school work and of course, reading Little House books (again) to a couple of boys who are very interested in being Farmer Boys. Ryan used his talent and time to build shields for the boy's club that we belong to, and took me on a fantastic trip to Antigua to celebrate our 10-year anniversary! He continues to support and guide me and our family as our spiritual head, and our relationship continues to grow and flourish as we live our busy and beloved lives!
I have had a year in which I've cut back on events and commitments and tried to be more intentional and reflective. In some ways I was busier, taking advantage of Ryan's vacation days to travel and making a monthtly commitment to a day dedicated to spiritual practices, but I've also cut a lot out of my schedule. The biggest change was this year I took only 4 doula clients (the previous year I had 14), and I've decided to end my career, at least for now, as a doula. We switched to a new co-op, which entails more driving for Caeli and me, but has been a huge blessing to me as it's a drop-off program and I'm no longer responsible for teaching a class of kindergarteners! The kids also love it, which in turn makes me a happier mama too! I've read more this year than last, started attending some seriously awesome classes at the gym and ran a 3-mile race, and while I haven't been crafting as much as I'd like, I did manage to sew a few skirts for Caeli in May. I discerned that I should drop out of social media completely (Instagram and Facebook), so you can check here periodically for updates, or give me a good old-fashioned call. :)
Beth will turn 9 in a week, is in third grade, and I have to admit that I am really looking forward to this next "phase" of girlhood. She is leaving early childhood behind and becoming a young woman who is a delight and a pleasure to be around. She devours books as soon as she can get her hands on them, reading late into the night and checking out books from the library as much as I'll allow her! On our Christmas card, the photo of her with her hands in the air is my favorite picture of her celebrating coming home from the hospital after a brief but dramatic stay! She's learned to rollerblade this year, started piano lessons, and some days she completely takes over the kitchen from me and will bake until her heart is content. Her sense of humor is maturing and while she occasionally rolls her eyes, she's still such a joy to my heart.
Luke turned 7 in October and is currently missing 3 teeth. He's very proud of that fact! He is in first grade, learning to read, and is preparing to make his First Holy Communion in the Spring. We call him our worker man, because he has a deep innate desire to be constantly moving and using his body for God's glory! He and Jack have dug holes in the backyard and filled them back up again, created "secret hiding places," taken apart broken appliances, and asked questions about pretty much everything. He has a natural talent for math and building, and can get lost for hours in a pile of Legos. He can also be super sweet and cuddly with me, planting slobbery kisses and giving tender hugs. I accept because I don't know how long they will last!
Jackson is five-and-a-half, as he will proudly announce, and started kindergarten this year. He is also learning how to read, loves doing his math workbook, and spends a lot of time playing dress up. He's gone through phases of being a knights or priests, and right now he likes to dress up as a shepherd. He loves to draw, play outside, and basically do anything that Luke does! We had a big baseball-themed fifth birthday for him in the summertime, which he loved despite the fact that he sometimes can be very shy. He doesn't particularly love going to Sunday School or co-op, but he always has a good time with his friends in the classes!
Caeli Rose will be 2 in a few weeks! She continues to be a huge blessing a joy to me. We all always marvel at how cute she is, and Beth takes delight in knowing that Caeli acts and plays the same way that she did. She is starting to speak clearly now, loves identifying animals and body parts, and she's definitely the most expressive child we've ever had! She speaks not only with words but with her hands and head- well, her whole body! She dances and sings, reminds us to pray before we eat, and just loves playing baby and tea party. She loves Beth and her brothers, running to give them a hug or kiss when they wake up in the morning. She's not quite sleeping through the night consistently yet, though it has happened a handful of times and we have hope that it will happen soon!
Please feel free to explore my blog, click around and read away. What's here is written for you; it's not too personal for me to share. I opted to not publish a few things that maybe were on the verge of being too much information, but what I've shared here is because I think these things are worthy of being discussed. I renamed my blog in January and have used that as a platform to sort of dissect my feelings and struggles this year. My true hope is that, as my children grow and venture out into this world, they see this blog as a memory book of their adventures and lives. That is truly why this little blog is here!
God's blessings to you and your family in 2016! May we all grow to know and accept His peace and will in our hearts and lives.
Years have gone by and I keep meaning to type up a family newsletter to include in our Christmas cards, but for various reasons it hasn't happened and I haven't made it a priority. Then I realized I could include it here for anyone who would like a quick update on our family. :)
2015 has mostly come and gone in a fury! Our family took a major trip in September- a drive to the northeast to see family and Pope Francis, a few smaller weekend trips, Ryan and I celebrated our 10-year anniversary with a vow renewal and reception, Beth had a two-day stay in the hospital thanks to an infected cut, and we almost sold our house (twice). And we have three school-aged students now, which has been quite a change for me! We had a few major events, but for the most part we're continuing to all grow and change, each of us in our own time.
Ryan turned 35 this year, without fanfare! He celebrated 9 years with his company this year, a family-friendly 8-5 job at a local company that continues to treat him respectfully and generously. He used all of his vacation days this calendar year- which was a first! Ryan has enjoyed a few good books this year, reading alongside Beth in her school work and of course, reading Little House books (again) to a couple of boys who are very interested in being Farmer Boys. Ryan used his talent and time to build shields for the boy's club that we belong to, and took me on a fantastic trip to Antigua to celebrate our 10-year anniversary! He continues to support and guide me and our family as our spiritual head, and our relationship continues to grow and flourish as we live our busy and beloved lives!
I have had a year in which I've cut back on events and commitments and tried to be more intentional and reflective. In some ways I was busier, taking advantage of Ryan's vacation days to travel and making a monthtly commitment to a day dedicated to spiritual practices, but I've also cut a lot out of my schedule. The biggest change was this year I took only 4 doula clients (the previous year I had 14), and I've decided to end my career, at least for now, as a doula. We switched to a new co-op, which entails more driving for Caeli and me, but has been a huge blessing to me as it's a drop-off program and I'm no longer responsible for teaching a class of kindergarteners! The kids also love it, which in turn makes me a happier mama too! I've read more this year than last, started attending some seriously awesome classes at the gym and ran a 3-mile race, and while I haven't been crafting as much as I'd like, I did manage to sew a few skirts for Caeli in May. I discerned that I should drop out of social media completely (Instagram and Facebook), so you can check here periodically for updates, or give me a good old-fashioned call. :)
Beth will turn 9 in a week, is in third grade, and I have to admit that I am really looking forward to this next "phase" of girlhood. She is leaving early childhood behind and becoming a young woman who is a delight and a pleasure to be around. She devours books as soon as she can get her hands on them, reading late into the night and checking out books from the library as much as I'll allow her! On our Christmas card, the photo of her with her hands in the air is my favorite picture of her celebrating coming home from the hospital after a brief but dramatic stay! She's learned to rollerblade this year, started piano lessons, and some days she completely takes over the kitchen from me and will bake until her heart is content. Her sense of humor is maturing and while she occasionally rolls her eyes, she's still such a joy to my heart.
Luke turned 7 in October and is currently missing 3 teeth. He's very proud of that fact! He is in first grade, learning to read, and is preparing to make his First Holy Communion in the Spring. We call him our worker man, because he has a deep innate desire to be constantly moving and using his body for God's glory! He and Jack have dug holes in the backyard and filled them back up again, created "secret hiding places," taken apart broken appliances, and asked questions about pretty much everything. He has a natural talent for math and building, and can get lost for hours in a pile of Legos. He can also be super sweet and cuddly with me, planting slobbery kisses and giving tender hugs. I accept because I don't know how long they will last!
Caeli Rose will be 2 in a few weeks! She continues to be a huge blessing a joy to me. We all always marvel at how cute she is, and Beth takes delight in knowing that Caeli acts and plays the same way that she did. She is starting to speak clearly now, loves identifying animals and body parts, and she's definitely the most expressive child we've ever had! She speaks not only with words but with her hands and head- well, her whole body! She dances and sings, reminds us to pray before we eat, and just loves playing baby and tea party. She loves Beth and her brothers, running to give them a hug or kiss when they wake up in the morning. She's not quite sleeping through the night consistently yet, though it has happened a handful of times and we have hope that it will happen soon!
Please feel free to explore my blog, click around and read away. What's here is written for you; it's not too personal for me to share. I opted to not publish a few things that maybe were on the verge of being too much information, but what I've shared here is because I think these things are worthy of being discussed. I renamed my blog in January and have used that as a platform to sort of dissect my feelings and struggles this year. My true hope is that, as my children grow and venture out into this world, they see this blog as a memory book of their adventures and lives. That is truly why this little blog is here!
God's blessings to you and your family in 2016! May we all grow to know and accept His peace and will in our hearts and lives.
Friday, November 6
On Blue Jeans and Roller Coasters
A few weeks (months?) ago, I posted this on instagram, it it caused quite a stir amongst my friends and followers:
"I'm down on my body right now- weaning the baby has led to some extra weight around my middle, making me have to pull out bigger sizes out of the closet. I ordered 7 new pairs of jeans last week, hoping to find at least one pair that would fit, and none do. I despise everything on my side of the closet as it reminds me of the constant struggle to feel and look "like myself." Because really, I accept the fact that my body is forever changed- I even usually embrace it. But not feeling normal really hurts, and some days it's just really difficult to look in the mirror."
So many women commented that they feel the same way, or have experienced these emotions in the past. They truly do, yet hardly anyone says it out loud. They battle these emotions in their heads, riding the roller coaster that brings them high when they're having a "good day" in their jeans, but frequently sitting at the bottom of the ramp, feeling overweight, pimply, bloated, disproportioned, sad, and miserable. And these aren't women who are trying to acheieve the look of a photoshopped magazine cover, or even women who are trying to hide the fact that their uterus has carried life. These are holy women, who embrace motherhood whole-heartedly, who just want to look in the mirror and recognize the person they feel like on the inside.
And that's the heart of my struggle.
I don't spend hours fretting over the image in the mirror. I don't have time for that. I feel super lucky when I can pull a somewhat-flattering outfit together out of a closet of ill-fitting and unflattering clothing. *sigh* Why do I have that clothing still? Because hormones. Because babies. Because breastfeeding. Because postpartum. It's all happened before and I can't say it will never happen again!
I'm trying not to complain, but instead to put words to the feelings that I think many women struggle with. I don't know if it's low self-esteem, vanity, pride, or some other sin that causes us to feel this way, but when it all boils down I hope that we can all come to terms with the fact that none of this matters to the One who loved us to death. He wants us to care for ourselves, to take care of our temples, but I'm not sure that he cares what size jeans I'm wearing this week. I think He'd be frustrated with me because I don't see myself the way He sees me- as His creation, the way He intended me to be. Just like when Ryan thinks I'm crazy for being frustrated with my body because he loves me just the way I am. He shows admiration and respect what my body has accomplished; he has such respect for me.
I don't think the roller coaster ride will end for me anytime soon, but I hope that over time I will develop more of a sense of respect for my ever-changing body. I know that for me, my frustration about my body image usually indicates that my emotions aren't quite stable (surprise suprise), so instead my energy should be focused on my interior- keeping my mind healthy, stabilizing my hormones, and allowing myself adequate rest and exercise time. Seems reasonable and logical typing it out, but why is it so difficult to live it?
"I'm down on my body right now- weaning the baby has led to some extra weight around my middle, making me have to pull out bigger sizes out of the closet. I ordered 7 new pairs of jeans last week, hoping to find at least one pair that would fit, and none do. I despise everything on my side of the closet as it reminds me of the constant struggle to feel and look "like myself." Because really, I accept the fact that my body is forever changed- I even usually embrace it. But not feeling normal really hurts, and some days it's just really difficult to look in the mirror."
So many women commented that they feel the same way, or have experienced these emotions in the past. They truly do, yet hardly anyone says it out loud. They battle these emotions in their heads, riding the roller coaster that brings them high when they're having a "good day" in their jeans, but frequently sitting at the bottom of the ramp, feeling overweight, pimply, bloated, disproportioned, sad, and miserable. And these aren't women who are trying to acheieve the look of a photoshopped magazine cover, or even women who are trying to hide the fact that their uterus has carried life. These are holy women, who embrace motherhood whole-heartedly, who just want to look in the mirror and recognize the person they feel like on the inside.
And that's the heart of my struggle.
I don't spend hours fretting over the image in the mirror. I don't have time for that. I feel super lucky when I can pull a somewhat-flattering outfit together out of a closet of ill-fitting and unflattering clothing. *sigh* Why do I have that clothing still? Because hormones. Because babies. Because breastfeeding. Because postpartum. It's all happened before and I can't say it will never happen again!
I'm trying not to complain, but instead to put words to the feelings that I think many women struggle with. I don't know if it's low self-esteem, vanity, pride, or some other sin that causes us to feel this way, but when it all boils down I hope that we can all come to terms with the fact that none of this matters to the One who loved us to death. He wants us to care for ourselves, to take care of our temples, but I'm not sure that he cares what size jeans I'm wearing this week. I think He'd be frustrated with me because I don't see myself the way He sees me- as His creation, the way He intended me to be. Just like when Ryan thinks I'm crazy for being frustrated with my body because he loves me just the way I am. He shows admiration and respect what my body has accomplished; he has such respect for me.
I don't think the roller coaster ride will end for me anytime soon, but I hope that over time I will develop more of a sense of respect for my ever-changing body. I know that for me, my frustration about my body image usually indicates that my emotions aren't quite stable (surprise suprise), so instead my energy should be focused on my interior- keeping my mind healthy, stabilizing my hormones, and allowing myself adequate rest and exercise time. Seems reasonable and logical typing it out, but why is it so difficult to live it?
Thursday, August 27
August
Sunday was my 33rd birthday. And on my birthday, I always get very sentimental and resolute. I think part of it is the time of year when a new school year is approaching (or, in our case, has already begun) and shiny new notebooks and fresh pencils always make me feel like I'm about to start something over again.
Having my birthday at this time of year has always been a way to make a "fresh start" for me. I was always (always!) super excited about going to school on the first day and meeting the new kids- hoping to finally find a best girl friend or find the "right" boy who could be my highschool sweetheart (thankfully God had other plans for me!). I loved shopping for new clothes, the hot pavement during summer band, and getting back into a routine again.
As an adult, I've had to make my own "fresh start" days throughout the year, and up until now the only times that really made sense were new years and lent. But now that we have school-aged children, August has jumped out at me as, once again, a time for me to sort of start over. Check on former resolutions and make new ones that are applicable to my life now. God has ordered my life so that our "busy season" starts October, so August is a good time to form new habits before life gets crazy.
As my birthday passes and school days resume, the pools close down and extracurricular activities begin again, it's time to get back into the months of "normal" life. As a creature that loves rhythm and predictability, this makes me SO happy. My days are a little ordered right now: wake-eat-school-lunch-rest-free time-chores-dinner. But as a gift to myself this year, I hope to add some self-care in this year. Early morning workouts, leisurely rest with my sister-friends, and hobbies that unite me to the creative nature of our Lord. These things will, hopefully and ideally, bring me peace and therefore help me to be a more attentive wife, mother, and teacher.
I just finished plowing through Teaching From Rest, and it was probably the best thing I've done for myself lately. I enjoy reading Mackenzie's colloquial writing; it's easy to push through it when there's lots of noise and distractions around me. ;-) It was so encouraging to me, in so many ways, and yesterday might have been our best morning of homeschooling yet because I was able to re-focus on my true goal of our schoolwork: virtue. I remembered, what good am I doing if I yell at them for dawdling when I could probably just as easily make it memorable teaching moment if I went up to them and gently whispered in their ear? How is me YELLING at them setting the example of VIRTUE when it's the exact opposite of how I want them to treat each other? And ironically, Beth read about being a hypocrite in bible history...
For so long, I feel like I've shunned being good to myself. I've been a martyr of sorts, thinking that being scrupulous is a "better" sin. It's not. It's still a sin.
So I hope to take better care of myself now. To honor my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit by taking care of it, including gently telling my kids no when they want to eat my food (because I need nourishment too). To not feel bad about myself when I feel left out of friendships or conversations, but instead to leave my comfort zone and jump in. To forgive myself when I fail to live up to my high standards. To leave room in our schedule for peace and quiet instead of being rushed and frantic, and to not feel guilty for taking some personal time off.
I know, it seems like I'm always making resolutions. At least, it always feels that way to me! But I love the challenge, and I love that it gives me a new chance to reconnect with the Lord using knowledge that is new to me. I do see personal growth in myself- at least I see the opportunity for growth! I just hope that when it's all said and done, and God asks me what I did with my life, I can at least tell him I tried my absolute best.
Having my birthday at this time of year has always been a way to make a "fresh start" for me. I was always (always!) super excited about going to school on the first day and meeting the new kids- hoping to finally find a best girl friend or find the "right" boy who could be my highschool sweetheart (thankfully God had other plans for me!). I loved shopping for new clothes, the hot pavement during summer band, and getting back into a routine again.
As an adult, I've had to make my own "fresh start" days throughout the year, and up until now the only times that really made sense were new years and lent. But now that we have school-aged children, August has jumped out at me as, once again, a time for me to sort of start over. Check on former resolutions and make new ones that are applicable to my life now. God has ordered my life so that our "busy season" starts October, so August is a good time to form new habits before life gets crazy.
As my birthday passes and school days resume, the pools close down and extracurricular activities begin again, it's time to get back into the months of "normal" life. As a creature that loves rhythm and predictability, this makes me SO happy. My days are a little ordered right now: wake-eat-school-lunch-rest-free time-chores-dinner. But as a gift to myself this year, I hope to add some self-care in this year. Early morning workouts, leisurely rest with my sister-friends, and hobbies that unite me to the creative nature of our Lord. These things will, hopefully and ideally, bring me peace and therefore help me to be a more attentive wife, mother, and teacher.
I just finished plowing through Teaching From Rest, and it was probably the best thing I've done for myself lately. I enjoy reading Mackenzie's colloquial writing; it's easy to push through it when there's lots of noise and distractions around me. ;-) It was so encouraging to me, in so many ways, and yesterday might have been our best morning of homeschooling yet because I was able to re-focus on my true goal of our schoolwork: virtue. I remembered, what good am I doing if I yell at them for dawdling when I could probably just as easily make it memorable teaching moment if I went up to them and gently whispered in their ear? How is me YELLING at them setting the example of VIRTUE when it's the exact opposite of how I want them to treat each other? And ironically, Beth read about being a hypocrite in bible history...
For so long, I feel like I've shunned being good to myself. I've been a martyr of sorts, thinking that being scrupulous is a "better" sin. It's not. It's still a sin.
So I hope to take better care of myself now. To honor my body as a temple of the Holy Spirit by taking care of it, including gently telling my kids no when they want to eat my food (because I need nourishment too). To not feel bad about myself when I feel left out of friendships or conversations, but instead to leave my comfort zone and jump in. To forgive myself when I fail to live up to my high standards. To leave room in our schedule for peace and quiet instead of being rushed and frantic, and to not feel guilty for taking some personal time off.
I know, it seems like I'm always making resolutions. At least, it always feels that way to me! But I love the challenge, and I love that it gives me a new chance to reconnect with the Lord using knowledge that is new to me. I do see personal growth in myself- at least I see the opportunity for growth! I just hope that when it's all said and done, and God asks me what I did with my life, I can at least tell him I tried my absolute best.
Friday, July 24
7 Quick Takes: All About Rest
1. Two more weeks of summertime for us. It's flown by, but luckily this week has been the first week with nothing big on my "to-do" list and we've been able to just chill at the pool, run errands at our leisure, watch movies in a cool darkened living room, casually read, and go to bed pretty much whenever we're tired. It's awesome.
2. I've been in a bit of a funk this week. I think it's hormonal (isn't it always?) but I'm always attacked with the same feeling that I'm only worth what I can do. That I'm only liked because of what I offer, and when I step back and stop offering then I stop being worthwhile. And even though I'm assured otherwise, and even though I know it's just Satan whispering lies and twisting reality into something horrible, it's a few days in the month when I just sort of have to pull back from everything and shut down. I hate it but I also know that it's my reality and this is how I have to cope.
3. The good thing about "shutting down" everything is that we can just do whatever we want and need to do. Hence, spending those last few "leisurely summer days" in the truest sense of the words.
4. I've been exploring the idea of "leisure" as I read Souls at Rest by Charlotte Ostermann. She explains that the only way we will achieve true leisure as God intended is by honoring the Sabbath.
Maybe through reading this book I'll have a better understanding of Sabbath rest, and I'll be able to come to know rest the way God intends for me. Maybe that will help. I know that I don't keep the Sabbath holy in the way that I probably should, because honestly it would add more work to the other days of the week, and that is daunting to me.
5. One thing I do know is that I am loved unconditionally by this man. And through his love I know that God loves me. I posted on Instagram, " I am much loved by God through my husband. Our marriage has helped me understand just how much our Heavenly Father loves me, and Ryan reflects His love to me and our children daily."
6. I'm wrapping up my lesson planning (more like "rough outline") of our 2015-2016, and I hope to do a more thorough post on it later. Books, papers, calendars and schedules have been littering my desk for a week now. With wisdom gleaned from podcasts, books, and blogs, I have scheduled six terms using a block schedule. Not very Charlotte Mason of me, but I'm having to adapt to three school-aged children and one very busy toddler! I have great hopes that this year will go well with the new schedule in place; it will allow us to do less subjects daily but cover more material through the year. Multum non multa, right?
7. I've pre-ordered Sarah Mackenzie's Teaching From Rest and can't wait to read it, as I just adore her and everything she does. She always breathes new life into my day and her podcasts are always so inspiring! I know she will have many new thoughts and ideas for me to ponder! Preemeptively, I'm also building in a time of rest for me, too, to re-evaluate life and plans as needed and bring it all together. A "teacher work day," of sorts- but hopefully at a coffee shop with my laptop and some encouraging books. This idea was from an amazing podcast, but I have no idea when I listened to it and can't figure out which podcast it was from! Sorry! It's not a new idea but it will be new for me.
2. I've been in a bit of a funk this week. I think it's hormonal (isn't it always?) but I'm always attacked with the same feeling that I'm only worth what I can do. That I'm only liked because of what I offer, and when I step back and stop offering then I stop being worthwhile. And even though I'm assured otherwise, and even though I know it's just Satan whispering lies and twisting reality into something horrible, it's a few days in the month when I just sort of have to pull back from everything and shut down. I hate it but I also know that it's my reality and this is how I have to cope.
3. The good thing about "shutting down" everything is that we can just do whatever we want and need to do. Hence, spending those last few "leisurely summer days" in the truest sense of the words.
4. I've been exploring the idea of "leisure" as I read Souls at Rest by Charlotte Ostermann. She explains that the only way we will achieve true leisure as God intended is by honoring the Sabbath.
"Sabbath is the cure for the ills caused by neglect of God, by distracting busyness, by impatient haste, by the assault of noise and by running away from who we truly are."Distracting busyness? Assault of noise? Didn't I recently complain of noise and being too busy? Clearly I need me some Sabbath.
"God created this day of rest for you, for human beings, so to find out what makes it holy, we must look at what makes people whole."What makes me whole? Who am I, truly? God knows my life, my virtue, my vices. He already knows. Yet I still find it hard to feel loved and accepted for me, just the way I am.
Maybe through reading this book I'll have a better understanding of Sabbath rest, and I'll be able to come to know rest the way God intends for me. Maybe that will help. I know that I don't keep the Sabbath holy in the way that I probably should, because honestly it would add more work to the other days of the week, and that is daunting to me.
5. One thing I do know is that I am loved unconditionally by this man. And through his love I know that God loves me. I posted on Instagram, " I am much loved by God through my husband. Our marriage has helped me understand just how much our Heavenly Father loves me, and Ryan reflects His love to me and our children daily."
6. I'm wrapping up my lesson planning (more like "rough outline") of our 2015-2016, and I hope to do a more thorough post on it later. Books, papers, calendars and schedules have been littering my desk for a week now. With wisdom gleaned from podcasts, books, and blogs, I have scheduled six terms using a block schedule. Not very Charlotte Mason of me, but I'm having to adapt to three school-aged children and one very busy toddler! I have great hopes that this year will go well with the new schedule in place; it will allow us to do less subjects daily but cover more material through the year. Multum non multa, right?
7. I've pre-ordered Sarah Mackenzie's Teaching From Rest and can't wait to read it, as I just adore her and everything she does. She always breathes new life into my day and her podcasts are always so inspiring! I know she will have many new thoughts and ideas for me to ponder! Preemeptively, I'm also building in a time of rest for me, too, to re-evaluate life and plans as needed and bring it all together. A "teacher work day," of sorts- but hopefully at a coffee shop with my laptop and some encouraging books. This idea was from an amazing podcast, but I have no idea when I listened to it and can't figure out which podcast it was from! Sorry! It's not a new idea but it will be new for me.
Wednesday, July 22
Another Day Ends
Let me be real, and honest for a minute. As another day ends, I'm exhausted. Every last stall tactic from the kids has pushed me to the edge and all I can think of is the glorious time of day when they're all sleeping and I'm alone. Why could they possibly need me for one more minute? Haven't they had me all day long?
As 4:30 approaches every day, I stare into the 3 or 4 hour routine of cooking-eating-cleaning-showering-praying-reading-bed and some days I have to muster every bit of strength to even start. I'm so thankful I get to share these hours with Ryan, but I'm so sad they tend to be chaotic, and I'm disappointed in myself for not cherishing them more. Well, maybe I at least try to cherish them sometimes, but more often than not I just can't wait for them to be over. I'm touched out. It's too noisy. I'm just so overstimulated. I just want to be alone in the quiet, not touching anyone or anything. I don't even know what I want to do, I just know I want to do it in silence.
I can't even be funny or hopeful right now. I know these days will be over someday but it's hard to focus on that- on anything- when the whining about dinner is constant and they keep beating each other up, with words or fists. Aghhhhhh....
The good news is, I know I'll have a few hours alone to recharge. And I'll get to start tomorrow with new hope that He will renew me and forgive my bad attitude and ungratefulness if I can get over my pride and pity party and tell Him I'm sorry. I might even have to apologize to the kids tomorrow for being horribly grumpy. Until tomorrow, I will remind myself that I'm still in the trenches of parenting little ones, remember that I'm in good company, and try to think of ways to relax a bit and be a more gentle mother.
As 4:30 approaches every day, I stare into the 3 or 4 hour routine of cooking-eating-cleaning-showering-praying-reading-bed and some days I have to muster every bit of strength to even start. I'm so thankful I get to share these hours with Ryan, but I'm so sad they tend to be chaotic, and I'm disappointed in myself for not cherishing them more. Well, maybe I at least try to cherish them sometimes, but more often than not I just can't wait for them to be over. I'm touched out. It's too noisy. I'm just so overstimulated. I just want to be alone in the quiet, not touching anyone or anything. I don't even know what I want to do, I just know I want to do it in silence.
I can't even be funny or hopeful right now. I know these days will be over someday but it's hard to focus on that- on anything- when the whining about dinner is constant and they keep beating each other up, with words or fists. Aghhhhhh....
The good news is, I know I'll have a few hours alone to recharge. And I'll get to start tomorrow with new hope that He will renew me and forgive my bad attitude and ungratefulness if I can get over my pride and pity party and tell Him I'm sorry. I might even have to apologize to the kids tomorrow for being horribly grumpy. Until tomorrow, I will remind myself that I'm still in the trenches of parenting little ones, remember that I'm in good company, and try to think of ways to relax a bit and be a more gentle mother.
Friday, July 17
Moving Forward
Don't cry because it's over.
Smile because it happened. - Dr. Seuss
Ryan and I left for our trip (more to come on that soon) and were gone for 5 days and 4 nights. I didn't pump and leave her bottles because I was positive she wouldn't take them (she's taken a bottle all of maybe 4 times in her life, while I was doula-ing). I had in my mind for a few months that it would be a good time to wean her. 18 months is good enough, right? It seemed so far away in February when I planned it.
As the time for our trip drew near, I knew it was coming. I started taking a lot of pictures of her while she was nursing and I started treasuring every moment, ridding the distractions and just focusing on her. The way she'd kick her legs, play with my hair. Look at me and smile while she was still latched on.
She didn't seem like a big girl. She still seemed like my baby, who still needed and wanted her mama. I know everyone else looks at her and sees a toddler who is becoming verbal, eating solids (more than her siblings, usually), saying her prayers, and playing games. I think a mother always looks at her child and in some way, still sees her baby.
And of course babies grow up. They grow out their hair, the sweet chunk on their thighs disappears, and they don't need you to put on their shoes anymore. It's good for them to grow, it's what God intended. I know in my heart that it's good that she's growing up. But this nursing relationship has been different to me. It's never been any work for either of us, and I can safely say that it's been a blissful 18 months of bonding and sweet time for us.
I've spent hours upon hours holding and treasuring her. Cuddled up in bed, night after night, inhaling the sweet smell of sweat and sour milk, while going through the usual routine of waking-latching-drifting off to sleep together. Sitting in our favorite nursing chair, examining every inch of her smooth, dark skin, noticing any little blemish and offering a kiss- as if my kiss would heal her wound. Sometimes I'd have to ward off pokes, pinches, and violent tugs of my hair!
But she's the fourth. I have three big kids who need my time and attention, and every time I'd sit down to cuddle them or read to them, Caeli would want to nurse, and she'd kick her sibling until they'd leave, upset or crying because she hurt them. We tried but couldn't fix that.
And I have to wonder if my moods and lack of postpartum depression this time around have been because I wasn't nursing a baby when she was conceived; I had almost a year off for my hormones to become normal again. I nursed Jack until he was 25 months, and weaning him was my last chance to cure my premenstrual dysphoric disorder- a horrible horrible mood disorder that affected everyone in our family. I was upset because he was so upset. He cried so much- he didn't understand. It seemed logical to me that being gone on a trip would sort of force the issue for Caeli and me, and it did.
I came home after being gone for five days and saw her in the morning a few minutes after she woke up. She was hesitant to leave my mom's side and come to me (I expected that and respected her space), and about a minute later she let me hold her. I spoke sweetly and she touched my face, then moved her eyes and hands down to my breasts. I hugged her close and distracted her, and she hugged me back. And that was pretty much it.
No more nursies.
She hasn't asked anymore. She'll sit on my lap and want to cuddle, and when she's tired I'll offer her a pacifier. She gives me sweet, giant hugs and will pat me on the back like she was a man hugging his best man-friend. But she doesn't ask anymore, and she doesn't seem to really miss it. So why do I?
I will always cherish these 18 months. They've been so very sweet and Caeli continues to be the gift that God made known to me before she was conceived.
Monday, April 20
Waiting for Spring
This winter seemed very long. The days were so very short and every year my body seems to crave the sunshine more and more. I was sluggish and lazy, I just wasn't able to get myself motivated to work when my house was so dark. The windows in our house face East and West (we have none facing North or South!) so we usually have amazing sunlight streaming into the kitchen and living room in the mornings, and the hot evening sun heats up our playroom in the evenings. In the winter, it's overcast and dreary. And my soul just feels uninspired.
It rained a lot too, at least it seemed that way. Maybe because it's those rainy days when you crave the sun the most, and they just seem to slap you in the face with cold rain... and those are the nasty days you remember. Everyone is cooped up inside the house, anxious to get out. Everyone's a little sad and I know, just know, it's because these children were meant to be outside.
We did have some unusually warm days, and they were extra-glorious because the beauty is just so beautiful after being surrounded by the ugly. We always took the chance to go to the park or just even play outside all day long, calling a "good weather day" off from school because when you homeschool, you get to do that!
As February ended and we had a break in the rain, I knew I had to get my plants in the ground while I had the chance. We grabbed jackets and drove to the nursery to pick up some plants and seeds, and even though it was misty outside my heart was joyous to walk through that beautiful nursery surrounded by the lush greens and spring color that my yard lacked. We picked some tomatoes, peppers, basil, lavender, and some seed packets of carrots, lettuces, radishes, and summer flowers, and came home.
It's always so appropriate to me that it's this time of year, when I crave green and beauty the most, that we enter into Lent. Jesus was in a desert but I feel stuck in my own desert of sorts, searching for something to give me hope. And then finally Easter comes, the joy of the resurrection, and all of the sudden the earth rejoices and bursts into bloom! Everything wakes from their winterly sleep; the azaleas and lillies burst into bloom, buds linger on my rose bushes, orange and lime citrus flowers that smell of heaven, and tiny lettuces, all seem to shout with joy to the risen Christ!
(All but one of these photos were taken by Beth!)
Wednesday, March 4
My Humanity
I've been listening to a lot of podcasts lately. Ryan and I both recently got iPhone 6s and it's made listening to podcasts really easy because the app is already installed. (I guess I could have figured this out on my old iPhone, a 4s, but it wasn't really something I thought to do!) We both found a few that we like and it's been nice listening to them while I'm working in the kitchen or in the car.
I'm listening to Quiddity, The Read Aloud Revival, and Catholic Stuff You Should Know mostly, though I have Fountains of Carrots, Audio Sancto, Fr. John Riccardo, and a couple of other random homeschooling ones waiting for me. All of these are actually for me only, the kids would be bored with them and sometimes they talk about not-so-kid-friendly topics or use a couple of words I'd rather not hear in our home. ;-) I've yet to find any that are FOR kids- any suggestions?
Last night Ryan and I were talking about what we've been hearing and learning, and I said a few things that he thought I should blog about. So here it goes.
I've always struggled with community, for as long as I can remember. As an elementary student, middle school student, and especially as a high school student, I was jealous of girls who had best friends. I attended 4 different elementary schools, and by the time I reached the fourth one in fifth grade all of the kids knew each other already and had already formed their group of friends. I still remember struggling to find my place as we all grew into middle school students. I did have a few good friends but... It's hard to be a group of 3 best friends- someone always gets left out and it was always me.
Moving into high school I thought would be a fresh start. But I became a person who had a lot of friends in many different groups of people, because I was that kind of person. Even as involved as I was in band, I never really found my close-knit group of friends because they had already been established as a group before we even entered high school. I always felt left out.
In college I was still sort of the same way, dipping my toes into the waters of many different ponds, but I was able to become close to two of my three roommates because we actually lived together. They're still women to, to this day, I would be sure they'd be there for me in a heartbeat if I needed them. I don't stay as close to them as I'd like to be but I still love them dearly!
Then I grew up and got married. All of my friends who were guys suddenly wouldn't be my friends anymore- and I guess rightly so. But they were some of my closest friends in college and I was up a creek without any good girlfriends. I still remember finding out about a gathering of some girlfriends who excluded me because I was "that old married woman" now and they thought I wouldn't want to see them. I had Ryan- and really in my heart I knew that he's all I needed.
Having Beth opened up new avenues of making friends. I then became a "young married with a kid" and that grew quickly into "kids." I got involved at church and made friends with some new-in-town neighbors. It was good for awhile until the neighbors moved, we moved, and I fell into a slump of postpartum depression that crippled me and basically brought my introvertedness out in full force.
Over the years as I've grown and changed, tried to find friends in a culture that I don't belong in, I've been challenged. I bring baggage of not feeling like I belong, and I've hidden the part of me that I thought were unacceptable.
But one podcast was talking about humility. How we have to expose our faults without gloating about them. I feel like it's a tricky fine line because I want to expose and explore my life, my past, my feelings... But I don't want to glorify my faults to the point of making others think I only talk about me. I've really struggled with that too, feeling too self-centered, so that's always something I think about.
But the other part talked about community, and how to have a successful community, members must be vulnerable with each other. I like that word, because it conveys honesty. Members- friends- must be honest and true with each other, be willing to admit our faults, because to hide them would be to lie in a way. I think of it like when I whip my house into shape super-fast before someone arrives because I don't want them to think I'm a failure of a housewife for not having a clean toilet. It's partly because I want them to sit on a clean toilet (haha), but also partly because it's embarrassing to admit I can't do it all.
So we have to be honest and vulnerable...But we have to be humble and make sure we're not making it all about ourselves. This is the part that gets tricky for me. I am currently working on being honest and vulnerable, and trying to cultivate community for the sake of my children. But I think due to my past and problems cultivating true community, I have an unflattering quality of wanting to be pursued, otherwise feeling left out. This is probably why so many dating relationships failed to work out, and why Ryan won my heart! But now it's not just about me. It's about our children. And due to our dietary restrictions, I feel like we get left out more frequently that I'm comfortable with. It breaks my heart to the point of tears thinking that my sweet girl may have to travel the same lonely road as me because of her diet. It's so absurd that FOOD of all things, what usually brings people together, would bring us apart from people. But it's happened before and I'm sure it will happen again.
I guess I'm ranting now but my heart's on fire and it kind of hurts. Ryan pointed out that of all the people in the world, the five that need me most are here within 20 feet of me at all times. And they pursue me around the clock. ;-) Still, there's that desire that I can't seem to quench. I told Ryan that in the past, I've thought this was a cross given to me to carry all the days of my life. Or that maybe it's that God-shaped hole that I've been trying to fill with people instead of Him.
As we prepared for bed last night, I wanted to read a quick meditation from Blessed is She, and it nearly made me cry. It pretty much edified the entire conversation Ryan and I had that evening.
I know I am imperfect and in need of His mercy and grace. But all of these years, I don't think I've been allowing the same grace to others in my life. Yes, I always try to assume the best- that the person who cut me off really has somewhere important to be, or that we didn't get invited somewhere for a good reason. But I think I've expected everyone else to have it together and of course truly, none of us really do. I've expected them to know what I want, but how could they if I've never articulated it?
So here's my beautiful mess of a life, my brokenness, my insecurities. Because it hurts to grow; muscles have to break before they become stronger. I'm emotionally sore and I'm fine with that, because it means I'm growing.
I'm listening to Quiddity, The Read Aloud Revival, and Catholic Stuff You Should Know mostly, though I have Fountains of Carrots, Audio Sancto, Fr. John Riccardo, and a couple of other random homeschooling ones waiting for me. All of these are actually for me only, the kids would be bored with them and sometimes they talk about not-so-kid-friendly topics or use a couple of words I'd rather not hear in our home. ;-) I've yet to find any that are FOR kids- any suggestions?
Last night Ryan and I were talking about what we've been hearing and learning, and I said a few things that he thought I should blog about. So here it goes.
I've always struggled with community, for as long as I can remember. As an elementary student, middle school student, and especially as a high school student, I was jealous of girls who had best friends. I attended 4 different elementary schools, and by the time I reached the fourth one in fifth grade all of the kids knew each other already and had already formed their group of friends. I still remember struggling to find my place as we all grew into middle school students. I did have a few good friends but... It's hard to be a group of 3 best friends- someone always gets left out and it was always me.
Moving into high school I thought would be a fresh start. But I became a person who had a lot of friends in many different groups of people, because I was that kind of person. Even as involved as I was in band, I never really found my close-knit group of friends because they had already been established as a group before we even entered high school. I always felt left out.
In college I was still sort of the same way, dipping my toes into the waters of many different ponds, but I was able to become close to two of my three roommates because we actually lived together. They're still women to, to this day, I would be sure they'd be there for me in a heartbeat if I needed them. I don't stay as close to them as I'd like to be but I still love them dearly!
Then I grew up and got married. All of my friends who were guys suddenly wouldn't be my friends anymore- and I guess rightly so. But they were some of my closest friends in college and I was up a creek without any good girlfriends. I still remember finding out about a gathering of some girlfriends who excluded me because I was "that old married woman" now and they thought I wouldn't want to see them. I had Ryan- and really in my heart I knew that he's all I needed.
Having Beth opened up new avenues of making friends. I then became a "young married with a kid" and that grew quickly into "kids." I got involved at church and made friends with some new-in-town neighbors. It was good for awhile until the neighbors moved, we moved, and I fell into a slump of postpartum depression that crippled me and basically brought my introvertedness out in full force.
Over the years as I've grown and changed, tried to find friends in a culture that I don't belong in, I've been challenged. I bring baggage of not feeling like I belong, and I've hidden the part of me that I thought were unacceptable.
But one podcast was talking about humility. How we have to expose our faults without gloating about them. I feel like it's a tricky fine line because I want to expose and explore my life, my past, my feelings... But I don't want to glorify my faults to the point of making others think I only talk about me. I've really struggled with that too, feeling too self-centered, so that's always something I think about.
But the other part talked about community, and how to have a successful community, members must be vulnerable with each other. I like that word, because it conveys honesty. Members- friends- must be honest and true with each other, be willing to admit our faults, because to hide them would be to lie in a way. I think of it like when I whip my house into shape super-fast before someone arrives because I don't want them to think I'm a failure of a housewife for not having a clean toilet. It's partly because I want them to sit on a clean toilet (haha), but also partly because it's embarrassing to admit I can't do it all.
So we have to be honest and vulnerable...But we have to be humble and make sure we're not making it all about ourselves. This is the part that gets tricky for me. I am currently working on being honest and vulnerable, and trying to cultivate community for the sake of my children. But I think due to my past and problems cultivating true community, I have an unflattering quality of wanting to be pursued, otherwise feeling left out. This is probably why so many dating relationships failed to work out, and why Ryan won my heart! But now it's not just about me. It's about our children. And due to our dietary restrictions, I feel like we get left out more frequently that I'm comfortable with. It breaks my heart to the point of tears thinking that my sweet girl may have to travel the same lonely road as me because of her diet. It's so absurd that FOOD of all things, what usually brings people together, would bring us apart from people. But it's happened before and I'm sure it will happen again.
I guess I'm ranting now but my heart's on fire and it kind of hurts. Ryan pointed out that of all the people in the world, the five that need me most are here within 20 feet of me at all times. And they pursue me around the clock. ;-) Still, there's that desire that I can't seem to quench. I told Ryan that in the past, I've thought this was a cross given to me to carry all the days of my life. Or that maybe it's that God-shaped hole that I've been trying to fill with people instead of Him.
As we prepared for bed last night, I wanted to read a quick meditation from Blessed is She, and it nearly made me cry. It pretty much edified the entire conversation Ryan and I had that evening.
"I try to be real, I try to be honest, but in a world where we can easily project on to people a life that is perfect, dreamy and put together, portraying the real mess of life isn’t easy and has to be intentional . . . it’s humbling. It is important that in this world full of human beings, we do not lose what truly makes us beautiful . . . our humanity."
I know I am imperfect and in need of His mercy and grace. But all of these years, I don't think I've been allowing the same grace to others in my life. Yes, I always try to assume the best- that the person who cut me off really has somewhere important to be, or that we didn't get invited somewhere for a good reason. But I think I've expected everyone else to have it together and of course truly, none of us really do. I've expected them to know what I want, but how could they if I've never articulated it?
So here's my beautiful mess of a life, my brokenness, my insecurities. Because it hurts to grow; muscles have to break before they become stronger. I'm emotionally sore and I'm fine with that, because it means I'm growing.
Monday, January 26
Why Restless?
After feeling like my blog needed a change, I've spent a few weeks pondering and debating. I was leaning toward some titles that dealt with motherhood because that's what seemed appropriate. I mostly write about being a mother, it's pretty much all I do all day! The struggle of choosing joy and charity when I just want to yell, the struggle of doing my work with a grateful heart, dealing with jealousy of others who send their kids off to school when I just want to take a day off... Yes, motherhood is pretty much my life!
Being a wife is important too. I think it's really even more important than my vocation as a mom. I am sacramentally bound to my Love, and the state of our family reflects the state of our marriage. I choose him again and again every day.
But above all, I realized, I am creature created by God. As I flipped through my prayer journals from the years and years behind me (I found some the other day dated back to high school!) I realized that I have always been seeking to know Him more fully. There is a real struggle to find my peace in the Lord instead of in other people, for it is in Him and only in Him that I will find my true meaning. Sometimes I get caught up in life- which is pretty easy when there are four little souls who demand my attention all day long- and I search for happiness elsewhere.
I've always felt that God is calling me to something more, something greater. It could be argued that my Catholic formation within a lay movement of the church as brought out this zealousness and fire from me (but quite a bit of scrupulosity too). Over and over again I read and am told that my calling in life right now is first and foremost to be a mom. I agree mostly; God has given me my children (these specific children) and I'm responsible for their souls, health, education, and well-being while they're under my care. But I don't think that means I have to forget who I am as a woman- as God's child.
He wants me to seek Him too. He's calling me and every day I need to say yes. Right now He calls me in the form of a mother, as one who gives completely and totally of herself for the care of her children. (Sometimes I think I missed a calling to be a cloistered nun!) As I come out of the phase of early childhood and I can see everything in my life a little more clearly without the influence of hormones, I realize that I'm tired of reading books about motherhood, scheduling my day effectively, and just general "how to" books. I miss being spiritually nourished.
It's not that time for me right now though. I can't leave my family for a week-long silent retreat, or even attend daily mass with them on a regular basis. I have to find Him right here in my home, amongst the noise and the giggles. He is in the giggles.
I chose "Restless" as the title for my blog because it reminds me of the God-shaped hole in my heart that I constantly try to fill with people and things- things of this world. But our souls were not made for this world, they were made for God. God made me to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world... And be with Him forever in heaven. I love that the simple things I'm teaching my children have such a profound effect on me.
I find peace in knowing that I'm following His will for me at this stage in my life, but I know I will always be restless for Him.
Being a wife is important too. I think it's really even more important than my vocation as a mom. I am sacramentally bound to my Love, and the state of our family reflects the state of our marriage. I choose him again and again every day.
But above all, I realized, I am creature created by God. As I flipped through my prayer journals from the years and years behind me (I found some the other day dated back to high school!) I realized that I have always been seeking to know Him more fully. There is a real struggle to find my peace in the Lord instead of in other people, for it is in Him and only in Him that I will find my true meaning. Sometimes I get caught up in life- which is pretty easy when there are four little souls who demand my attention all day long- and I search for happiness elsewhere.
I've always felt that God is calling me to something more, something greater. It could be argued that my Catholic formation within a lay movement of the church as brought out this zealousness and fire from me (but quite a bit of scrupulosity too). Over and over again I read and am told that my calling in life right now is first and foremost to be a mom. I agree mostly; God has given me my children (these specific children) and I'm responsible for their souls, health, education, and well-being while they're under my care. But I don't think that means I have to forget who I am as a woman- as God's child.
He wants me to seek Him too. He's calling me and every day I need to say yes. Right now He calls me in the form of a mother, as one who gives completely and totally of herself for the care of her children. (Sometimes I think I missed a calling to be a cloistered nun!) As I come out of the phase of early childhood and I can see everything in my life a little more clearly without the influence of hormones, I realize that I'm tired of reading books about motherhood, scheduling my day effectively, and just general "how to" books. I miss being spiritually nourished.
It's not that time for me right now though. I can't leave my family for a week-long silent retreat, or even attend daily mass with them on a regular basis. I have to find Him right here in my home, amongst the noise and the giggles. He is in the giggles.
I chose "Restless" as the title for my blog because it reminds me of the God-shaped hole in my heart that I constantly try to fill with people and things- things of this world. But our souls were not made for this world, they were made for God. God made me to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world... And be with Him forever in heaven. I love that the simple things I'm teaching my children have such a profound effect on me.
I find peace in knowing that I'm following His will for me at this stage in my life, but I know I will always be restless for Him.
Tuesday, January 20
Reflections on Recovery
The first year after having a baby has traditionally been very difficult on me. Mentally and emotionally only, I feel so very blessed that I've never had to deal with a painful physical recovery. This is no secret- I'll openly talk with anyone about it because I want to help dispel the idea that postpartum baby blues or depression is something to be ashamed of. It's not.
As I looked at the calendar and planned for Caeli's first birthday, I couldn't help but be emotional and reflective. That time last year I was SO done with being pregnant. Overdue, tired, probably a bit grumpy, emotional, and full. Full of child, full of anticipation, and full of excitement- would this baby be a boy or girl? Who would s/he be? What name would we give this child, our fourth to be born into our arms? What would my birth be like- would I have an unplanned home birth?!
She eventually came... She had to one way or another, right? Almost two long weeks past her due date. I had to wait for one of the best gifts I've ever been given, this child who is so full of joy. Full of smiles and happy squeals. Full of love as she learns how to give us kisses.
She's been the easiest of my babies and I thank God for that. This recovery has been the easiest for me, due to a combination of factors I think. She's a much better sleeper than her older siblings, so I'm much better rested. And I think the fact that she's my fourth baby has helped me relax and let go of the little things that have worried me in the past. I also encapsulated my placenta this time and I can tell (in several ways) that this has affected my hormones in a good way! She's helped me heal and she's helped me become a better mother to her siblings. She is such a gift!
So now, almost a year later, what's different? Our family feels right. I won't say our family is complete- only God knows the plan for us- but for now it feels good. But on the other hand, I can't imagine never being pregnant again! Despite the aches and pains, it's the only time I truly feel comfortable in my own skin, maybe because I'm knitting a person together within my own body. I don't have to worry about sucking in my tummy or if I have acne because... pregnancy. I'm not expected to be perfect.
Friday, January 2
7 Quick Takes: 2014 and 2015 (in two parts)
Part One: Looking Foward
2014 was a good year for us! Another baby, new friends, a big trip, and some deep conversations about God's plan for our family. Everything moved us forward, so I'd say that's been a good year!
My word for 2014 was "quiet," and thanks to an amazing baby and some hormones that also weren't so crazy as they had been in the past, I'd say I did a pretty good job. I definitely felt better about myself as a person and mom this year than in previous years! Caeli changed my body. I don't know what happened, but there was some sort of hormonal shift that made me such a better person. Everything I'd been fighting in the past was somehow healed. She has been such a gift in so many ways!
One of my goals was to be up 45 minutes earlier than the kids in the morning. That hasn't happened yet, but I didn't expect to be bed-sharing this long either, because I didn't expect a baby who would sleep so well at night! So that will be a new goal for this year. :-)
I managed to make 51 posts in 2014, 22 more than in 2013! I'd say that's a little success. This blog is so important to my memory that I don't want to see it neglected, which is why this year I will dedicate a little time every week to adding more. I'm looking at numbers from previous years- 244 posts in 2009?! When did I find the time?
Looking ahead into 2015, I'm expecting a great year! We have a few trips planned throughout the year, we'll have a big #35 birthday for Ryan in August, and I hope to feel a little more like myself and a little less like a recovering postpartum mama. I'd like to get my creative juices flowing again by blowing the dust off my sewing machine and learn how to knit. Oh, and there's always more exercise! Maybe I'll run a couple of 5Ks this year. I have no desire to do anything more than that, at least not in this moment!
One big change for me is that I'm going to take a step back from being a doula for awhile. If we're being honest, I'm burnt out. After a rough end of last year for various reasons, I'm in need of some space and some time away from being "on call." I will miss being present to support mamas during their birthing time but everything else that it entails is just too much for me right now. I hope that, in the absence of this away time (on some evenings and during births), I can spend more time being wholly present to my family by not having to carry my cell around 24/7 (this is seriously taxing on me). It will open up my evenings so I have more time for working out, being creative, and planning our school days. I will certainly miss the extra income but the mental stability I hope to gain will hopefully more than make up for that!
Wednesday, December 3
My View
My view. Every day, everywhere I go. The top of that beautiful hairy little head, hair with a reddish tint and the slightest hint of body that suggests to me there may one day be curl. My fingers are crossed. She follows me from room to room, that is, if I'm not carrying her already. You see, she wants to be with me. Always. And I am so blessed to have her here with me, safe and healthy and developing as a little almost-11-month old should. But I'm remembering those days of getting very little housework and cooking done because of baby. Four kids in, I'm okay with that. (That's what I keep telling myself...I'm okay with that.)
But some days, positive thinking doesn't make it any easier. When her cute little arms (they look like soft miniature adult arms) go up in the air over her head and she gives me that little pouty face that she just knows I can't resist... Well, the house can get picked up later. The other kids will eat dinner... Eventually. For now, my baby needs me.
Friday, November 14
7 Quick Takes... Thoughts about Thinking
---1---
Being a friend is complicated. Sometimes I get stuck in situations with certain people where I just fumble on my words. I gush about myself or endure awkward silences when I'm secretly desperately trying to think of a new conversation topic. It's always the same people too- they must think I'm an idiot! I get myself worked up and then the words just don't come, or I wind up saying something totally dumb, or blabbing on about myself when I sincerely want to hear about them. I hate that feeling!
---2---
I don't know why I let things bother me so much. Like today I was on a country road and came up behind an older man in a truck going 50 mph in a 70. He slowed down- I thought he was going to turn right- so I slowed down behind him. He started waving for me to go around him but there was oncoming traffic and I didn't feel comfortable doing it since I would have had to cross over into the other lane. He got really mad at me! He had his window down, yelling Lord only knows what at me, waving his hands frantically. I'm only happy he didn't make a specific one-fingered gesture but he was clearly ticked off at me and I can only imagine what he was thinking. I was so confused! He was doing something nice for me, but then got mad at me? I let this incident eat at me off and on all afternoon. I prayed for him after it happened but why did I dwell on it?
---3---
I guess I'm a thinker. I do think about things for a long time, and I have to read as much information as I can before I make a decision. I replay moments in my head over and over again, hoping I'll do better next time. We've been thinking about something big over the past couple of months and it's taken some time for pieces to fall into place, but I've needed to gather all the facts. This is difficult because sometimes you just can't gather everything; sometimes the facts don't exist. Sometimes you have to pray and just trust God, and trust yourself to make the right decision even when some of the puzzle pieces are still missing. But as I tell my clients- we make educated decisions with the information we have in this moment so we have no "what ifs" later. We made part of our decision and although it's not originally what we'd wanted, we did gather as much information as we could and put the rest in God's hands.
---4---
The good news about making a big decision is we've experienced a bit of relief knowing that it's officially Not An Option anymore. Crossed it off the list. That's always nice, don't you think?
---5---
Well, I guess we've made two decisions recently! We also made a decision to say "yes" to a new church home. We have become members of a parish that is right for our family. There are so many aspects of the parish and the liturgy that I just love. We can truly say "yes" to God in so many new ways here.
Being a friend is complicated. Sometimes I get stuck in situations with certain people where I just fumble on my words. I gush about myself or endure awkward silences when I'm secretly desperately trying to think of a new conversation topic. It's always the same people too- they must think I'm an idiot! I get myself worked up and then the words just don't come, or I wind up saying something totally dumb, or blabbing on about myself when I sincerely want to hear about them. I hate that feeling!
---2---
I don't know why I let things bother me so much. Like today I was on a country road and came up behind an older man in a truck going 50 mph in a 70. He slowed down- I thought he was going to turn right- so I slowed down behind him. He started waving for me to go around him but there was oncoming traffic and I didn't feel comfortable doing it since I would have had to cross over into the other lane. He got really mad at me! He had his window down, yelling Lord only knows what at me, waving his hands frantically. I'm only happy he didn't make a specific one-fingered gesture but he was clearly ticked off at me and I can only imagine what he was thinking. I was so confused! He was doing something nice for me, but then got mad at me? I let this incident eat at me off and on all afternoon. I prayed for him after it happened but why did I dwell on it?
---3---
I guess I'm a thinker. I do think about things for a long time, and I have to read as much information as I can before I make a decision. I replay moments in my head over and over again, hoping I'll do better next time. We've been thinking about something big over the past couple of months and it's taken some time for pieces to fall into place, but I've needed to gather all the facts. This is difficult because sometimes you just can't gather everything; sometimes the facts don't exist. Sometimes you have to pray and just trust God, and trust yourself to make the right decision even when some of the puzzle pieces are still missing. But as I tell my clients- we make educated decisions with the information we have in this moment so we have no "what ifs" later. We made part of our decision and although it's not originally what we'd wanted, we did gather as much information as we could and put the rest in God's hands.
---4---
The good news about making a big decision is we've experienced a bit of relief knowing that it's officially Not An Option anymore. Crossed it off the list. That's always nice, don't you think?
---5---
Well, I guess we've made two decisions recently! We also made a decision to say "yes" to a new church home. We have become members of a parish that is right for our family. There are so many aspects of the parish and the liturgy that I just love. We can truly say "yes" to God in so many new ways here.
It reminds me of the way we educate our children. We don't buy literature that has been abridged or brought down to their level; we give them something of beauty and something to strive to understand, something for which to reach. Our faith life should be no different! Here, we are all reaching, yet we are all nourished.
---6---
I'd have to say that I have a decent understanding of my role as mother, wife, and daughter of the King. But it's hard for me to reach deeper sometimes because... I am a mother and wife! I've read the books- I know it's about prioritizing and coming outside of myself and self-donative love... And I have a missionary spirit. I am constantly being reminded that the best (and seemingly only) thing I should do right now is to love and raise my children. I do agree! Whole-heartedly! Still, sometimes I struggle with the feeling that I should be doing more for God's kingdom.
---7---
Ahhhhh... God's kingdom. Cuddling with this sweet, cuddly, ball of love. The kingdom of God truly belongs to such as these, and I'm convinced she was given to me as a gift to help me heal from a lot of past hurts. But have I mentioned she'd 10 months old? It's starting to get a little complicated during the days! She wants me so much, and the others want me so much too. Then there's school work and chores and cooking to be done... Imagine my surprise when I went looking for this post for the first time since Caeli was born. Gosh I knew exactly what I'd be thinking right now! Time to take my own advice!
Saturday, November 8
Q&A with... Me!
My sweet friend Andrea tagged me! I'm not sure what a Leibster Award is my friends, but apparently I've been asked to answer some fun questions so I'm doing it!
1. What are you reading now? And what is your favorite book of all time?
At any given time, I have about six books on my nightstand- more or less. :-) Right now I'm actively reading Searching for and Maintaining Peace (by Father Jacques Philippe), The Discernment of Spirits (by Timothy M. Gallagher, OMV), and Beyond the Birds and the Bees (by Gregory Popcak). I think I might need to read something light next!
 |
| My night stand last fall. Oops, I'm still reading Beyond the Birds and the Bees... But for real this time! |
I can't say I have a favorite book of all time. I don't really have a favorite anything- color, song, animal... Those questions always stumped me! In recent years, the book that's had the biggest impact on me was A Mother's Rule of Life by Holly Pierlot, because that book sort of molded the way I live my life by helping me create a routine that allows time for everything that we need and want.
2. What CD or album would define your high school years?
Ugh, high school. I listened to a lot of things but had only a few CDs; Goo Goo Dolls, Michelle Branch, and Vertical Horizon were probably my favorites! But I have to say that every time I hear Rhapsody in Blue by George Gershwin, or Symphony No. 5 by Shostakovitch, I'm transported back to some of my happiest days in band, where I was a part of something bigger than me. I still get lost in those two pieces of music.
3. Which do you enjoy more: cooking or baking?
I enjoy both! I still don't feel like I totally understand gluten-free baking, and usually baking makes a bigger mess, so I'll say I enjoy cooking more. I definitely feel more at ease with cooking because I'm an excellent multi-tasker: I move swiftly, time perfectly, and can arrange and present a yummy plate of food. It's like a dance. Most days that's not what happens because, you know, life! We love to entertain and host events so that's when I have the opportunity to really enjoy cooking, baking, and entertaining. I love sharing meals with family and friends, that's one reason I love December so much!
 |
| From Christmas a couple of years ago. I love it. |
4. What is a personal goal you have over the course of the next year? Next 5? Next 10?
I have to say this is the hardest question for me to answer, because "personal" is difficult for me. I haven't really thought about goals that I have for myself- family goals, yes, but personally? I guess I should think more about this! I would love to run another race to lose this last bit of baby weight and get to a point where I feel strong and happy about my health again. I want to do something musical (see question 8). Recently I've considered becoming a certified lactation consultant. I'm always seeking to be a joy-filled, peaceful woman of God, but how do you measure that? Other than that I don't really know. What are some of your personal goals?
5. How do you preserve your precious family memories? (Scrapbooks, photo albums, the blog, etc?)
So far, this blog is the bulk of our preservation. I do keep my photos backed up, and I used to be good about making photo books based on the text and photos from my blog. That was back when I had time to search the internet for free coupon codes! These books are very well-loved by my children, I blogged about the books a couple of years ago. I should really create some more books so Caeli will be included!
So far, this blog is the bulk of our preservation. I do keep my photos backed up, and I used to be good about making photo books based on the text and photos from my blog. That was back when I had time to search the internet for free coupon codes! These books are very well-loved by my children, I blogged about the books a couple of years ago. I should really create some more books so Caeli will be included!
6. What do you do when you legitimately need a mama break?
Hmm this could be a long answer... I didn't realize I had characteristics of an introvert until a year or two ago. The truth is, in a group of close friends I can be very loud and outgoing, but when it's just me and the kids I definitely crave my alone time. I used to get touched-out pretty easily when they were younger, but now that they're older it's the constant NOISE that usually drives me to my closet to seek a moment of silent peace! We utilize a daily rest time, where the kids are expected to be quiet upstairs for an hour and a half, so I can be alone to either get some work done or rest. (This doesn't work out so well with a baby who doesn't necessarily nap when they rest, but it's better than nothing.)
I've also recently come to understand that I have to use my time in a manner that leaves me feeling recharged, and so I'm trying to figure out what that is for me. I know that it's NOT social media. It's not walking around Target aimlessly alone and without intent. I don't really watch TV so I don't waste time with that during the day. I'd love to say that reading recharges me but usually I wind up dozing off! But I hate to nap during the day because chances are high that one of the kids will wake me up, and I turn into Super Grumpy Woman when I am awoken from a mid-day, five-minute nap. So it's better to not even try!
 |
| This is me, literally hiding in the closet with my feet up. |
I've also recently come to understand that I have to use my time in a manner that leaves me feeling recharged, and so I'm trying to figure out what that is for me. I know that it's NOT social media. It's not walking around Target aimlessly alone and without intent. I don't really watch TV so I don't waste time with that during the day. I'd love to say that reading recharges me but usually I wind up dozing off! But I hate to nap during the day because chances are high that one of the kids will wake me up, and I turn into Super Grumpy Woman when I am awoken from a mid-day, five-minute nap. So it's better to not even try!
Staying active at my gym helps me keep my peace, as does my doula work. I also crave date nights with my darling husband for a chance to re-connect after a busy month or two (we don't get out enough!). I desperately want to attend another silent retreat- it's been 6 years since I've been on one- and my spirit really needs to be recharged like that again. Girl's night outs definitely don't happen enough either. But, I'd say the absolute fail-proof way to recharge for me is to meet the Lord in Adoration at a local church.
7. What is your favorite way to spend quality time with your children?
Cuddling in bed or on the couch, one-on-one. I don't do it often enough because I am usually so tired in the evenings, but I find that's where some of our best conversations take place. I just let them lead the conversation and talk until they're talked out. Sometimes they ask questions but usually they just talk and talk and talk... It usually gets pretty silly too!
8. What is a skill you don't have that you'd love to learn?
I'd love to learn to play the piano or take voice lessons. I've considered doing both over the past three years and when we finally enroll the kids in music lessons, I hope to join them.
9. What's your favorite side dish to go with Turkey on Thanksgiving?
My mom's sweet potato casserole! There's nothing healthy about that dish but it's so good!
10. Christmas cards: yea or nay?
We send out cards every year and we love to receive them! The kids love checking the mail during December! Last year though, I didn't send out Christmas cards because I was waiting for the baby to be born so we could do a Christmas Card/ birth announcement combo. I noticed we didn't get as many cards last year- I'm guessing we were on a lot of people's "B" lists, and since I didn't mail them a card, they didn't mail us a card!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
