Veronica's rose

I've been given a few beautiful gifts as mementos of our newest little saint.  My mom sent a beautiful rose bush in the mail (did you know you could do that?!) with a note from our little saints.  I took this picture when it was very dark, but it just seemed like the perfect moment to capture this flower.  It's the screensaver on my phone right now- Veronica's rose.

We have been given a few other flowers as well, and Ryan gave me a memory box with a St. Veronica medal.  I've placed it next to the box he gave me after our first loss.  They are so very special and meaningful to me. :*-)

Another Saint in Heaven

Ryan and I are sad yet proud to announce that we have another child in Heaven with our Lord.  Our baby, whom we named Veronica, was born into our Lord's arms on Thursday, March 21, at only 5.5 weeks gestation.  She wasn't with us for very long, but just like our first saint, Samuel, she made a huge impact on our lives and will continue to be in our hearts until we can hold her in Heaven.  A few friends and family members knew about it during the time and helped take care of us as we mourned, and it's still very early for me to talk about it openly.  We appreciate the love and care we received during that time; how beautiful it was for others to recognize that this baby was a very real part of our lives, even for the short period of time she was with us!!! 

There isn't much more for me to say about this except that please pray that God's will be done in our lives.  We would love to be blessed with another child on Earth, but I am beginning to wonder if the desire in my heart to have a large family was misunderstood by me.  I have five children- three on Earth and two in Heaven.  I ask that none of you forget that, because the two in Heaven are just as much a part of my family as Beth, Luke, and Jack are!

Saint Samuel and Saint Veronica, pray for us!

Gifts

 I was going through some of my old posts and realized I never posted photos of the beautiful cards and gifts we received after my miscarriage in September.  We received some beautiful letters from sweet friends and family members, some who have sadly miscarried before and personally understood how devastating our loss was.  My book club girlfriends brought over an Edible Arrangement, which included some yummy chocolate-covered strawberries (on of my all-time favorites).  Some of my homeschooling friends sent a card and a rosebush, which unfortunately doesn't look too good right now in the middle of "winter" so I didn't take a photo of it, but it's still alive!  I intend on planting it after we get our fence up in the backyard, in the garden outside my bedroom window so I can see it from my bed.  We're planning on making that "Samuel's Garden," and will include this stone sent by a very special friend:

The stone has been in my kitchen since we received it because I don't want to put it outside! 

Ryan gave me a beautiful box with a crucifix with a couple of medals and Christmas ornament that we hung on the tree.  The box is on our display case, the ornament we'll bring it out every year and think of our little saint.

Ryan and I are both okay.  It's still hard to think about the milestone dates, and knowing it'll be something carried around with me forever in my OB records, but it changed our hearts- and our family- forever.  We were blessed with a few short weeks, and for those weeks with my fourth baby I am still thankful.

A Plea

So let's see... Two posts about the two big things that happened.  But, for my future reference, let me recap:

1. In-laws came to town 9/18, spent the night, left for Italy the next morning.  
2. Mom and two brothers came to town, spent several nights with us helping us paint our downstairs
3. My grandfather passed away on Thursday, 9/22
4. The rest of my family came to town for the funeral, which was held 9/26
5. The next day, 9/27, I started spotting. 
6. 9/28, had an ultrasound that showed Samuel's loss was due to a blighted ovum
7. 10/3, two clients had their babies, I attended both births.  The highlights of my week!
8. 10/4, in-laws came back to town, Ryan told them the news and I updated this blog

I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself and am not posting to fish for sympathy.  I am allowing myself time to heal and grieve, but I just have to put this all together and make sense of it.  This was a very difficult two weeks, but I have to say it could have been so much worse.   It sounds awful but I just kept waiting for something else to go wrong, and I'm so very thankful it didn't.  I am so thankful that I have my faith to rely on; God has gifted me with unwavering faith and for that I'm so very grateful because I'm not quite sure how I could have done this if I were having a crisis of faith.  I'm emotionally beat up, and even though I've seen my husband and children every day I feel like I haven't been truly present for them lately.  I miss them.  I miss feeling like myself but I know once my hormones settle down I'll feel normal again.  Well, I'll feel normal, but I'll never be the same.

A New Saint in Heaven

I've born a life into God's hands, something I never thought I would do.  We've lost a baby to miscarriage, and I'm just so sad that for whatever reason God decided this baby was better off in His arms than in mine.  I'm not angry, just very sad.  Sad that I won't see this little person's fingers or toes, or hear how he would laugh.  Sad that Jack is a big brother but no one knows it.  Sad because my womb harbored life for several weeks, and now all of the sudden it's empty.  It aches for my baby.

If anything, the loss of this baby has put my focus more on heaven, reminding me that every day my goal has to be heaven so that I can meet my little saint.  I know I'll hold him one day, but I'm sad that day is so far away.

Our family has a new little patron saint in heaven.  I know he has several friends to play with, and I take comfort in knowing that my Pops is probably keeping him entertained, sitting him in his lap and teaching him how to play piano until I arrive to scoop him up and give him the big hug I want so badly to give to him.

Please pray for Ryan and me, as we grieve this loss... In my womb for a few short weeks, but forever in ours hearts.  We named him Samuel.  St. Samuel, pray for us!