Wrapping It Up and Packing It Away

Tonight as I went to rock my baby to sleep, I knew it would take awhile since she'd had a late afternoon nap.  Tonight I really craved her closeness, wanting to feel her sweet hands rubbing up and down my arm.  She settled down quickly and I began a rosary, choosing to pray the joyful mysteries because I forgot that today was Wednesday.  As I began to pray my mind wandered, as it usually does.  But once I came to The Visitation, my mind zeroed in on it, and I noticed something I'd never noticed before.

"Mary set out
and traveled to the hill country in haste
to a town of Judah,
where she entered the house of Zechariah
and greeted Elizabeth.
When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting,
the infant leaped in her womb,
and Elizabeth, filled with the Holy Spirit,
cried out in a loud voice and said,
"Most blessed are you among women,
and blessed is the fruit of your womb.
And how does this happen to me,
that the mother of my Lord should come to me?
For at the moment the sound of your greeting reached my ears,
the infant in my womb leaped for joy.
Blessed are you who believed
that what was spoken to you by the Lord
would be fulfilled."

And Mary said:
"My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord;
my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has looked with favor on his lowly servant.
From this day all generations will call me blessed:
the Almighty has done great things for me,
and holy is his Name.

He has mercy on those who fear him
in every generation.
He has shown the strength of his arm,
he has scattered the proud in their conceit.
He has cast down the mighty from their thrones,
and has lifted up the lowly.
He has filled the hungry with good things,
and the rich he has sent away empty.
He has come to the help of his servant Israel
for he has remembered his promise of mercy,
the promise he made to our fathers,
to Abraham and his children for ever."

Mary remained with her about three months
and then returned to her home."     Luke 1:39-56

Mary went to visit Elizabeth when Elizabeth was about 6 months pregnant, and Mary stayed for about 3 months... Probably until John was born... Mary was probably Elizabeth's doula!

Okay I know I'm reaching here, and I apologize if I'm being heretical.  Usually when I read this passage I'm mediating more about the Magnificat, one of my favorite prayers, and I don't pay heed to the last verse.

I probably noticed this tonight because I've decided to end the doula phase in my life, and I'm mourning a little bit.  The on-call life has taken its toll on me, and I think that right now, at this stage at least, I need to be fully present for my family.  I will miss being a support for families and sharing my knowledge.  I will miss being present as a mother labors to give birth.  And I will miss witnessing the miracle and honoring the intimate moments of two parents meeting their child for the very first time.

I won't miss the dread of a mid-night phone call, or the canceling of my plans at the last minute.  And most importantly, I won't miss having to keep my phone ringer "on" and having it in my pocket or by my side 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

So after next week, when I complete my very last post-partum visit, I will shut my ringer off and hopefully learn to *not* carry my phone around with me everywhere.  No longer will it need to be tethered at my side, tempting me into distractions (or near occasions of sin!).  It will become an old tool that, while occasionally useful, will be mostly confined to my desk.

I've already packed away my leftover materials, stationary, handouts, and business cards.  I need to close down my website and Facebook page. I want to print out the beautiful testimonials that my clients left for me on doulamatch.net, and put them in my notebook with other birth announcements and thank you notes.  It makes me sad that I already know of two women who wanted me by their side next year but I've had to say no.


Being a doula has defined almost 5 years of my life.  It's brought some of my highest highs and lowest lows.  The absolute best part is knowing that I've helped moms achieve their goals of birthing a baby on their own terms, with knowledge and the acceptance of the events going on around them.

For now, I'm stepping away from all birth work, and focusing on my work at home.  There's so much to be done, and I want to do better at it!

Despite the feelings of loss, I'm still at peace knowing I'm doing the right thing for our family.  This has been a great consolation to me, as many times in life I feel unsure if I'm making the right decision.  And I'd like to think that maybe I'm not done forever...maybe I will be able to do this again one day, if it's in God's plan.

Bluebonnet Photos

Last Sunday we traveled out of town!  My parents left the country to Italy and on a Mediterranean cruise to celebrate their anniversary, so to help out we stayed with my two youngest brothers for a few days until they got back.  We had a fun time while we were there, Ryan came with us so we made a vacation out of it!  On our way there we passed a huge field full of bluebonnets so we pulled over to get our annual photos.  The sun was way too bright and the kids were sleepy, but it was the best we could do this year!  Here are some of the best ones, unfortunately I'm not thrilled with any of them...I plan to play with these in photoshop and clean them up a bit and maybe that will help.

The Next Step

March is more than halfway over and I am already seriously thinking about next year's school.  I've talked to lots of experienced homeschool moms about the ins and outs of home education, why they've chosen to do things certain ways, and gotten some tips about how to be a successful mom, teacher, wife, and housekeeper.  (Simply put, several of them have said just hire a housekeeper. ;-)  This year we started off using the Mother of Divine Grace kindergarten curriculum but (and I think I've mentioned this), we both got a little bored with it.  Beth likes to do a lot of hands-on activities, and I want to take advantage of the way she learns and encourage her to love learning. 

I'm soooo close to designing our own curriculum.  I feel like I just need a little urge from a friend or The Spirit letting me know I'm making the right decision!  I want to be able to include Luke in our lessons, so that I can teach both him and Beth on their own levels.  For this reason unit studies seem really appealing to me, but what I have in mind doesn't exist in a formal curriculum. 

I'm glad it's March and I have some time.  It's been my goal to finish my doula training packet and then I'll start work on our curriculum, whether I find one or design one.  This past week marks the one-year anniversary of my training course last year!  I am nearly done with my packet I have to send off to become certified, I only have to print off my essays, proof-read everything, make copies, and mail it off!  My goal is to go to the post office on Friday!

A Plea

So let's see... Two posts about the two big things that happened.  But, for my future reference, let me recap:

1. In-laws came to town 9/18, spent the night, left for Italy the next morning.  
2. Mom and two brothers came to town, spent several nights with us helping us paint our downstairs
3. My grandfather passed away on Thursday, 9/22
4. The rest of my family came to town for the funeral, which was held 9/26
5. The next day, 9/27, I started spotting. 
6. 9/28, had an ultrasound that showed Samuel's loss was due to a blighted ovum
7. 10/3, two clients had their babies, I attended both births.  The highlights of my week!
8. 10/4, in-laws came back to town, Ryan told them the news and I updated this blog

I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself and am not posting to fish for sympathy.  I am allowing myself time to heal and grieve, but I just have to put this all together and make sense of it.  This was a very difficult two weeks, but I have to say it could have been so much worse.   It sounds awful but I just kept waiting for something else to go wrong, and I'm so very thankful it didn't.  I am so thankful that I have my faith to rely on; God has gifted me with unwavering faith and for that I'm so very grateful because I'm not quite sure how I could have done this if I were having a crisis of faith.  I'm emotionally beat up, and even though I've seen my husband and children every day I feel like I haven't been truly present for them lately.  I miss them.  I miss feeling like myself but I know once my hormones settle down I'll feel normal again.  Well, I'll feel normal, but I'll never be the same.

A new path

It's official... I'm becoming a birth doula!

I feel like I have finally felt my professional calling, and of all the work I've done I am most excited about this next chapter in my life!  This past weekend (Friday-Sunday) I attended a very intense workshop that has provided me the necessary training to become a certified birth doula through DONA International.

A doula is a woman who serves a pregnant mother.  She provides support throughout pregnancy and especially during labor, providing her experience, training, and know-how to the expectant parents.  After birth, doulas help with breastfeeding and usually offer a postpartum visit, although postpartum doulas complete a separate training course.  Since I've been trained through DONA, I will also adhere to a code of ethics.  What's really important is a doula does not provide medical advice, and she does not speak for her client!

There have been so many studies that show that a woman who uses a doula during labor tend to have shorter labors, reduced desire/need for epidurals, forceps, episiotomy, pitocin, and cesarean sections.  Maybe even more importantly, parents who use doulas tend to have more satisfying births and settle in together as a family much easier and quicker!

What really surprised me about my training was the clarification about when and how it becomes important for a woman to receive interventions, and how as doulas we are still needed to support women and men who have to cope with a change in their birth plan right in the middle of labor.  Women who desire an unmedicated hospital birth benefit greatly from a doula, but even women who plan to use epidurals or other interventions still benefit from doulas, especially considering everything that might happen when interventions are used! 

I feel like my personal experience provides me a great background for this.  I've had a hospital birth where I wanted to go med-free but changed my mind and had the epidural, experiencing the slippery slope of other interventions.  I look back on that and think that things could have- probably would have- gone so much differently if we'd hired a doula!  I've also had two unmedicated births, one pretty good one and one awesome one.  But, as a doula, it's not about me, it's about my client.  My experience should help her to have an amazing, life-changing experience!

Now that I've finished the training, I have a list of other requirements before I become officially certified, including attending and writing about three births, and reading several books on pregnancy, labor, breastfeeding, and doula labor support.  When I'm done with all of this and have my official certification (hopefully in the fall!), I'll be launching a company web site and blog. :-)

The DONA International web page has a lot of great information; this video below is produced by them and explains quite a bit!