Deep thoughts

One of the things I've learned in my (almost) four years as a mom is the feelings of inadequacy and apathy are fleeting. Just a phase. How many times have I compared myself to other moms only to feel like a total bum? Like a total failure? How many times have I compared myself to other moms and felt like I've figured parenting all out and thought myself better than them? I'm usually humbled sooner than later (a child is bound to teach you that everything you thought true is actually the opposite, and that you in fact don't know everything!).

In Famila we discussed a saint quote that went something like, "We can never compare ourselves to humans because we can always find ourselves better than them, instead we must compare ourselves only to God and only then we can truly be humbled." (Anyone know who said that?) On those days I'm feeling mightily better than another person, I try to remember this quote or unfortunately remember it too late. Then I have to be humbled by offering an apology for being an egotistical fool. I would say that, in typical fashion of a type A personality, most days I feel like I fall short. Very short. My house isn't clean enough, my children aren't well-behaved enough, I don't spend enough time with my kids, I don't spend enough time doing housework, I don't call my friends and family to catch up, I don't invite friends over because of one reason or another. I don't pray enough. Excuses, all excuses. I have a tendency to be over-scrupulous, I think it has something to do with my involvement in a Catholic lay movement that, while leading me on a path to holiness, also made me feel worse for my faults than I probably should have felt.

More excuses. I'm the only one who can account for my actions. I am the way I am, strengths and weaknesses, unapologetically. I have faults and flaws, have a short temper and need to learn to bite my tongue, have a desire for perfection but lack the fortitude to actually get things done, and am viciously hard on myself. But on the flipside, I am convicted to my beliefs till death if necessary (but please Lord, don't test me!), and feel strongly that God has a really strong purpose for my life. Like he's calling me to something Great that I just haven't figure out yet.

Pray for me. Pray for all mothers who struggle with feelings of inadequacy, low self-worth, mindless apathy, or who are unmotivated. Pray that their husbands truly cling to their spouses and never cease to support their wives through prayer and selfless servitude. Pray for their children, who have to witness the ups and downs of their parent's lives, and see them at their best and their worst. And lastly, pray for men and women who want nothing more than to have the chance to actually be parents.