Now that Luke is sleeping better, it's given me a chance to collect my thoughts on his infancy. I feel like he's outgrowing some of this "babyhood" since he is sleeping better and is quickly learning to move himself around, so this seems like as good a chance as any for me to reflect.
I love being a mom, more than anything. I've realized that I found something- someones- that I'm passionate about. Going through high school and college I had hobbies, but I've never been so passionate as I am now about taking excellent care of my children.
That being said, the first several months of babyhood are really hard on me. I'll lay it out- the first 6 months after having Beth and the first 8 months after having Luke, I was pretty sure each child would be my last (even though I've always wanted to have a hoard of kids- at least 6). I've figured there are a combination of factors at work that make me feel just so awful when I have young babies...Firstly, my hormones! No newly post-partum woman is in good condition to make important decisions, and raising a newborn is pretty important. I have the luck of starting my cycle early (under 3 months with each child), despite my following the "rules" to maintain extended infertility. So as soon as I start to level out after having a baby, I start cycling and then it starts all over again. I feel like such an emotional mess, up and down, it's just unbearable sometimes. I discussed this with my midwife and she placed me on progesterone supplements this time, and as much as they helped my moods, they messed with my cycle even more. And as any NFP charter knows, this is no good. So... In this case, we had to way the pros versus the cons, and I stopped the progesterone supplements. No natural way around this, maybe next time I'll look into anti-anxiety meds or anti-depressents. :-( I'm ashamed to admit it, it's hard for me to blog about this, but I just feel like I know so many women in my life who have had babies that have gone through someone similar. And I just want them to all know that they are not alone, that it's incredibly common, and that it's better to ask for help than to suffer silently (like I did with Beth!). Moving on...
I am a classic Type-A personality- I need to have control over situations, I need a schedule, I need a plan, and I need order. Babies don't come with schedules so I think this is my second reason why having new babies is hard on me. It might sound pathetic to some people, but coupled with hormones, it's had me on the verge of anxiety attacks multiple times. I am so thankful that I have friends and family to support me, who tell me to just forget about all other obligations and just stay home. I don't like to just "stay home," but forgetting other obligations meant I could make my own schedule. I've learned to become flexible, and this is a great gift from God. When I catch myself stressing out over a schedule I've made for myself, I take a deep breath and remind myself that it won't be the end of the world if I don't make it to the grocery store by 10 am. Or whatever. I really get worked up, it's hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced the pressure of putting these sorts of stresses on yourself. But this has been a good opportunity to learn about myself, and to try to get rid of these bad stresses now while I realize they're a problem!
Thirdly, as I briefly mentioned before, I don't like to just stay home. I like to move, get out and do things. It's hard to do that with a baby, especially a baby and a toddler. Ryan did our grocery shopping for probably the first 2 months (at least) after Luke was born- not because I didn't want to but because he knew how hard it was for me. I kept thinking to myself, plenty of women grocery shop with a newborn and a toddler, they just have to. But Ryan insisted on doing this for me, it was his own special little way of looking out for me and taking care of me. For this I am so grateful. I can't even express how awesome of a husband and father Ryan is. He always steps in right in time, he encourages me to get out of the house alone to have some "me" time, and he genuinely gives of himself beyond what I imagine most husbands do. Honestly, sometimes he makes me feel lazy because he does so much! But the infant phase would be so much harder without him!
With Beth I started to come out of this phase when she was about 6 months old- I don't remember much but I think she started sleeping a little better then. Not through the night, but just better. It probably had a lot to do with her love for solid food- once she started eating she started sleeping. It took a little longer with Luke, I would say I'm just now getting to the point where I'll admit that I'd like to have another baby. Not anytime soon, but in the future. God has a plan for our lives, and while I'm not sure what that plan is, I'll just continue to tell people that we're taking our children one at a time! I can't imagine being "done," as I'v heard people say. I can't imagine never feeling that sweet little flutter in my belly turn into a huge kick in the rib...I can't imagine never hearing those sweet little moans from a nursing newborn baby...I can't imagine never wearing my cute purple maternity dress again! Hehehe. Yes, we will have more kids, God-willing, even though it's taken me a solid 8 months to admit it!
I think a big thing that helped me through this infancy stage was exercise. After I had Beth, when she was about 3-4 months old, I started walking around the block. No big deal, but getting out of the house, breathing in fresh air and feeling the sun on me was great. When she was 8 months old, I trained for the 10K. Running the 10K made me feel so good about myself! I still am impressed with myself that I actually did that! After I had Luke I started running agian, but my knees hurt! So I joined a gym to use their cardio machines, and getting out of the house 2 evenings a week (Ryan stays home with the kids so I don't have to leave them in the day care) is just my perfect "me" time. I can think about whatever as the endorphins start flowing, and I come home feeling good about myself. I can't stress how important this was/is for me- I still do it! Also after having Luke, I am more established in our new home (we'd just moved in when I had Beth!) so now I have a solid network of good friends to take care of me. Coupled with Ryan's unfailing support, that's priceless for me.
I'm running out of thoughts and since this already a huge post, I'll end my rambling. I guess my point is that I'm so happy that Luke is growing older, sleeping better, and eating better. I'm just starting to feel happy again. :-)
Saturday, July 4
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7 comments:
I enjoyed your long post! :) Thanks for sharing all your thoughts with us! And you are so right about other mom's going through those tough times - another dear friend just posted a very similar post literally 2 weeks ago. That is great you are starting to feel more like yourself though and have some good exercise and me time to stay refreshed!
You sound like you are in a happy place...a great place to be!
I read an article recently in a respectable medical journal that said that the incidence of 'post-partum' depression or depressive symptoms in women is high, but that many women feel that they are in the minority. It's good that you talk about it, because that way women can start communicating about it, and knowing you're not in the minority might be comforting.
And yes, despite all things you are lucky to have a husband as supportive as Ryan, because the majority of women don't.
One Lucky Woman, indeed.
I am glad you can reconcile with yourself and not judge yourself. Women are very hard on themselves. Especially, A types. You are who you are.
Hormones reck havoc in our lives, but, thank God , you are on top of it. You ARE NOT alone :D
What an awesome partner in life you have been blessed with!
Ryan rocks!
Hello, I've started following your blog. I totally relate to all that you said on this post. I have my good and not so good days though my kids are older. Hormones are crazy. I think that you are going about all of this in the right manner. First of all you are being honest with yourself, by knowing how you are and who you are. You are not wishing you were someone else but approaching everything realistically. Second, you seem to be taking motherhood and having little ones in great stride and with much happiness and joy. Lastly, I think it's great that you have found an outlet that helps you relieve stress (jogging) and doing things solo that you enjoy (having time for yourself). I will tell you that as your kids get older, it does in many ways get easier. There are different challenges and phases that they go through but they are independent and can do a lot on their own.
Anyway, I babble. I think you are doing a super job. Hang in there. That's wonderful that your hubby is so supportive too. Enjoy the rest of your summer! Wally (aka Emelyn Wilkinson) P.S. Wally is a name that my sister-in-laws refer to me as sometimes.
Okay so I'm a little late on catching up on your blogs... I'm even later on keeping up with mine!
2 thoughts. 1. hormones suck... I didn't realize you dealt with all that with your babies because you come accross as having it all together... but i too have many friends who have gone through the same mess and coupled with a type A were "on the verge"... sometimes it only takes a couple of weeks on happy pill to even you back out and then you can enjoy your babies more... and, 2. i too can't imagine thinking we're done but I can definitely imagine never getting kicked in the ribs again or riding the hormone roller coaster... so just remember that there are lots of God's children that need a family and looking for love ;)
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