Back and forth on labor and delivery

I would guess this is normal to be feeling this way...

I am so back and forth on labor and delivery. Actually I know I want to try my darndest for an unmedicated birth but some days I feel so empowered and strong and other days I'm scared to death about it. We still haven't hired a doula because we didn't really like the one we met with and I can't find any others that are within our budget. I'm thinking it's not going to happen this time, which I'm okay with now. I can't remember if I posted this before, but meeting with her (the potential doula) actually made me *not* want a doula. I am the kind of person who deals with stress internally, by kind of letting it build up inside of me. I might not actually want anyone else there (besides DH, of course) to hold my hand or get me through it. And DH has been so wonderful to this point about rubbing my feet and keeping me feeling comfortable, that I have no doubt he'll do an excellent job once I'm actually in labor. So this first birth it will probably be just us. And I'll start praying now I have some good labor and delivery nurses!

See, right now I feel really strong. I feel like I can take on the world and handle this pain. But I know tomorrow or the next day, I'll hear or see something about how difficult labor really is or hear about someone's experience and it'll scare me. I'm doing my best to stay positive because I really think that your point of view influences the way you deal with life. I'm not going into this telling myself it'll be horrible and painful, but instead that yeah, it'll hurt, but I am strong and I'll be able to handle it. And I'll have a little baby girl to hold once it's all over. I think that'll help me get through it!

Another thing I've been dealing with is a lot of negativity from people- sometimes complete strangers- about me being a "first time mom." How I have no idea what's coming to me! And I better beware because life will be completely different and I won't adjust without doing X,Y or Z! And DH and I will never have alone time again! It's so frustrating. Even at the baptism class the other day, someone jokingly commented that us first time parents probably didn't know who Simba was because we don't have kids yet so we've never seen a Disney movie... Uhh... ok. I wish people would quit getting down on first time parents. I know what some of it will be like because I have 5 younger siblings, and I remember 4 of their births. I was there for one of them. I've changed diapers. I've babysat plenty. I know how to hold a newborn's head. I've definitely seen my fair share of Disney movies. The Lion King came out when I was 12. I know not all first time parents feel prepared but I'm sick of feeling degraded like that. People should be encouraging of first time parents, not telling them how hard it's going to be!

Today we have a dr. appointment, should be a quick one. I am a full 33 weeks pregnant today. 37 weeks is full term- so in 5 weeks I'll be full term- that's December 6. I know she'll come when she's ready but I'm already hoping she'll be ready a little bit early. I'm tired and I want my old body back! I've outgrown about 80% of my maternity clothes already. Not fun when you have to wear the same thing to work at least twice in one week!