Blah Blah Blah...

I've had a lot on my mind lately.  But I'm just going to start typing, and see where this ends up.  Maybe I'll edit a lot, maybe I'll just let the random thoughts be.

So, it's been a rough month.  The craziness has continued and, though this things haven't happened to me, they've affected me directly.  I think it's safe to say this has been one of the hardest months in my life.

Now We Are Three

Luke, today is your third birthday!  Happy day to you!  We will celebrate by having a few friends and family members come over to share some cake with you.  You requested M&M's and Mommy knows you love big machines so I will decorate your cake specially for you! 

The night before your birthday we tried to go to a pumpkin patch, but they had no pumpkins!  You were so disappointed, but we went out to dinner instead and you shared a hamburger with Daddy.  We promised to get a pumpkin later in the week!

Gluten-Free Girl, One Year Later

Today marks the one-year anniversary of Beth's endoscopic biopsy, and then October 30 is the one-year date of when she officially began her gluten-free diet.  It's been a whole year already.

Going through some of my old blog posts from last year brought me to tears.  Finally realizing why Beth had been in pain for so many months. Her first tastes of gluten-free bread and pasta- she loved them.  Watching her clothes get smaller as she grew taller, watching her bloated belly thin out.  Noticing short, sweet hairs growing on her precious little head... Hairs I didn't even realize she had been missing.  The dark bags under her eyes... Gone.

Luke's New Game

our newest little friend, a green hummingbird.  he's the only one we've ever seen at our feeder that we put up two weeks ago, but he seems happy to have found it because he comes several times a day!

No More Cable TV

sort of a sad way to watch a football game!

I can't remember if I've blogged this or not, but we ditched our cable several months ago.  We tried in vain to figure out a way to hook our computer up to our television, but due to the age of our tv and the input types, it's nearly impossible!  We've been reduced to watching our favorite shows on the computer, which hasn't been a huge deal but it's sort of... inconvenient?  Uncomfortable?  We kept the tv hooked up to the DVD player so the kids can watch DVDs, but that was all it was good for.

Until last week.  Ryan bought a converter box and an antenna.  Do you know how much it was hurting him to watch football on the computer screen?  Lots.  Well, since we're not in the city we don't get great reception, but we now get the basic channels which means Ryan can watch most of the football games.  Yesterday's game was on a regular channel, so I took the above photo of Ryan and Beth watching the game on the computer.  Don't you feel sorry for him?

beth and jack, enjoying a snack while luke finishes his late nap

Random School Pics

reviewing at the end of the week.  we didn't get much schooling done during our rough two weeks, so we had lots of reviewing to do before we get back into things again!

sorting shapes and colors.  after this we made patterns.

My Babies

A Trip to Town

I've been feeling that with everything going on lately, our little family needed some time to get out and reconnect.  I had purchased some children's museum passes on groupon recently so we decided to go to town for the day.  First was the children's museum, and oh boy did they have fun!  A lot of it was over there heads but they could have cared less, they had a blast.  Their favorite parts were playing in the small "city" where they could go into kid-sized versions of places like a bank, restaurant, vet's office, and an ambulance, and the outdoor water play area was a big hit too.  Wouldn't you know it rained though?  We've had a drought for months and months and it rained on the day we planned to take them to play outside and have a picnic.  Figures!  It did dry up a bit so that we could go outside for a few minutes; Luke loved using tubes to redirect water that was pumped out of the stream, and Beth and Jack ran around and checked everything else out.  I love watching Luke get really drawn into something though, it takes a lot for something to grab his attention so much that he'll stop paying attention to everything else.

After the museum we drove to a park where we had a picnic lunch.  It was still wet but not raining, so we dealt with puddles but the kids didn't seem to mind that too much!  We had to stand in line in order to ride on the train, and thank goodness because the sky opened up and it poured for about 10 minutes, those poor people on the train ride before us got soaking wet!  We rode the little train around the park and both kids said this was their favorite part of the day!  (It was probably Jack's favorite part too as he nursed the entire train ride, ha!)  It was about 2:00 after the train ride and everyone was clearly about to fall asleep so we left to come back home. 

Later that afternoon Grandma and Grandpa came over to visit the kiddos, their first time to see them in a few weeks since they'd been out of town.  When Beth found out they were coming over, she declared, "This is the best day EVER!"  and Ryan and I cracked up.  We had dinner and took the kids outside to play on their new bikes- Luke's "new" Spiderman bike was an early birthday present from Mawmaw and Pawpaw!  Beth's bike isn't new but since her training wheel broke a couple of months ago, we decided that instead of buying her new training wheels we'd just take them off and see if she can ride!  Well, it took about four days of practice, but yes, she can ride.  Pretty well too, though I am concerned about her learning how to stop the right way!  Jack will sometimes push himself on his rocket (Luke's old rocket) but usually prefers to be pushed around in the umbrella stroller!

I should add that, for the record, it rained ALL DAY on Sunday!  This is easily the first time in months it has rained this much.  I'm pretty sure Jack doesn't know what rain is, he seemed a little confused when he was in the garage checking it out!  We had a lazy day at home and recuperated from our busy Saturday.

I love that the kids are getting old enough that we can do fun activities like this an not have to worry so much about naptimes or following a schedule so rigidly.  I feel like they're finally able to start enjoying things that our city has to offer!  And, I didn't bring my camera or take pictures because I wanted to be fully in the moment with my kids.  I love having photos of them but feel like when I'm trying to take pictures, I'm just observing what happens, so the only pictures I have from the day are a few that were taken on my phone!

Beth rides on two wheels!

A Plea

So let's see... Two posts about the two big things that happened.  But, for my future reference, let me recap:

1. In-laws came to town 9/18, spent the night, left for Italy the next morning.  
2. Mom and two brothers came to town, spent several nights with us helping us paint our downstairs
3. My grandfather passed away on Thursday, 9/22
4. The rest of my family came to town for the funeral, which was held 9/26
5. The next day, 9/27, I started spotting. 
6. 9/28, had an ultrasound that showed Samuel's loss was due to a blighted ovum
7. 10/3, two clients had their babies, I attended both births.  The highlights of my week!
8. 10/4, in-laws came back to town, Ryan told them the news and I updated this blog

I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself and am not posting to fish for sympathy.  I am allowing myself time to heal and grieve, but I just have to put this all together and make sense of it.  This was a very difficult two weeks, but I have to say it could have been so much worse.   It sounds awful but I just kept waiting for something else to go wrong, and I'm so very thankful it didn't.  I am so thankful that I have my faith to rely on; God has gifted me with unwavering faith and for that I'm so very grateful because I'm not quite sure how I could have done this if I were having a crisis of faith.  I'm emotionally beat up, and even though I've seen my husband and children every day I feel like I haven't been truly present for them lately.  I miss them.  I miss feeling like myself but I know once my hormones settle down I'll feel normal again.  Well, I'll feel normal, but I'll never be the same.

A New Saint in Heaven

I've born a life into God's hands, something I never thought I would do.  We've lost a baby to miscarriage, and I'm just so sad that for whatever reason God decided this baby was better off in His arms than in mine.  I'm not angry, just very sad.  Sad that I won't see this little person's fingers or toes, or hear how he would laugh.  Sad that Jack is a big brother but no one knows it.  Sad because my womb harbored life for several weeks, and now all of the sudden it's empty.  It aches for my baby.

If anything, the loss of this baby has put my focus more on heaven, reminding me that every day my goal has to be heaven so that I can meet my little saint.  I know I'll hold him one day, but I'm sad that day is so far away.

Our family has a new little patron saint in heaven.  I know he has several friends to play with, and I take comfort in knowing that my Pops is probably keeping him entertained, sitting him in his lap and teaching him how to play piano until I arrive to scoop him up and give him the big hug I want so badly to give to him.

Please pray for Ryan and me, as we grieve this loss... In my womb for a few short weeks, but forever in ours hearts.  We named him Samuel.  St. Samuel, pray for us!

A Time of Loss

I'll just start at the beginning, because otherwise it won't make any sense.

My mom came to visit last Monday.  My two youngest brothers are homeschooled now, so my mom decided to bring them in for a quick visit since they never made it in before summer ended.  My grandparents live very nearby, so their plan was to spend a couple of nights with us and a couple of nights with my grandmother.  My grandfather lived with a caretaker due to his Alzheimer's. 

My mom and grandmother went to visit my Pops on Wednesday morning, and on Thursday morning my mom got a call that he had passed.  There was no way of knowing that Thursday morning would be the day, there's no way to explain why my mom just happened to come to town to visit and just happened to visit him the day before.  It was just one of those "coincidences" that can only be explained by God's intervention.

Sleep Comes

Tonight I watched Luke fall asleep.  I wasn't feeling well so I invited him to curl up on the couch next to me, 6 inches between our noses.

He closed his eyes.  They twitched- a lot.  I didn't think it was real because they were twitching so much, but he never opened them back up.

He pinched my thigh with his toes, and dug them in as his leg twitched around.

His curled fingers would occasionally stroke the pillow he was laying on.

Eyes twiched more.  Lots more.

His breathing was regular the first minute or two, and slowed as his eyes slowed. His eyes popped open one time, looked at me, then closed and then it was as if that's when his sleep came.

His breath slowed.  He stopped moving.  His eyes moved under his eyelids, but slowly now.  It reminded me of a baby in my belly slowly moving under my skin.

I noticed beads of sweat on the back of his neck.  We were snuggled together under a heavy blanket, so I wiped his neck and pulled the blanket down a bit.

I watched him sleep for about 10 minutes, until Ryan came into the room and took a couple of minutes to watch him sleep next to me.  Then Ryan carried him to his bed upstairs.

I wish I gotten a picture.  These beautiful moments... I have to store them in my memory because I never have any pictures of these rare, beautiful moments.

Fresh Paint

I've been chomping at the bit, ready to paint our downstairs, so when my mom decided to come visit and stay a few days I thought it would be a good time to paint.  In a matter of a few intense nights we got most of the downstairs done.  We are saving our two-story foyer for a professional!  We chose two Sherwin Williams colors, color-matched to Behr premium flat enamel.  The color for most of the downstairs is Dorian Gray, and the playroom is Dovetail, which is just a shade darker.  It's hard to tell a difference unless you're really looking!  The colors are gorgeous, it really takes our house up a notch and to me makes everything look a tad bit more formal- which I love! Part of me wishes maybe we'd chosen a shade that was more different for the playroom.  In a few years, when it's more of a sitting room and less of a destruction room, I hope we'll add some bead board and crown molding!  We planned on painting the foyer a dark blue, but now I'm thinking a red or maroon might be magnificent and provide more of a contrast.  We'll see...

Dots

Jack

Jackson Paul

{almost 15 months}

Likes:

dancing

wrestling

climbing

 belly buttons

eating yogurt, chex, and crackers

turning off and on lighswitches

standing on his head

books

Doesn't Like:

sleeping

  napping

staying still

being away from mommy

toys stolen away from him

What I Want to Remember:

sweet snuggles before bedtime

nursing moments, jack twirling my hair around his fingers while i kiss his toes

carrying the stool to the bookshelf, climbing high to reach books

running to grab his shoes when he hears the word "outside"

primitive words: "ball" "up" "ma" more"

his long tuft of hair that always sticks up in the back

New Dancing Scarves

Just got some scarves today!  Beth immediately knew what to do with them, so funny how girls don't need any explanation on how to dance. :-)

Pre School!

This week was our first full week of school!  Well, we started on Tuesday since Monday was labor day. :-)

Beth is 4.5, which means she technically isn't kindergarten age yet.  After lots of thought and prayer, we decided to start her on a homeschool kindergarten curriculum but still call it preschool, and just take it slowly with her. We chose a classical, Catholic curriculum called Mother of Divine Grace, and it's pretty much fool proof.  ;-)  It spells out everything I need to do with each subject, but allows me the flexibility to deviate if I want or need to.  And since I'm using it as preschool, we're planning on deviating a lot!

My small little compilation of our books.

Weekend of Firsts

Friday, September 2 was First Friday, and we had our First activity of the year for our homeschool group.  Our group met for mass (the children's First time at this parish), then went to a new park for the First time.  They had a lot of fun playing with some old friends and making some new friends!  Finally I'm starting to feel like one of the "seasoned" moms in our group, and my older children are finally old enough that they'll go off and actually play with friends instead of me having to entertain them!  A new First feeling!

Luke's Dancing Debut

Aunt Ramona got a good video of Luke dancing at the wedding in St. Louis! He danced like this all night, and we have no idea where he got this move from...