Monday, November 7

The Birth of Theo

This is a story that I didn't think would be my story. I've heard of wild and crazy fast labors before, but I haven't heard of anything quite like this!

 

I have to start on October 5.  On that day, I was 11 days past my due date, and my midwife requested that I have an ultrasound to check on Baby to make sure everything was still okay in there.  They check several things, but one of the things she noticed was that the amniotic fluid level was very low- low enough that an OB probably would have scheduled an induction right then and there.  My midwife was comfortable letting me hydrate, which would increase the level, and check again on the following Friday.  We continued to try to naturally induce labor but Baby wasn't ready yet!  So I chugged water (seriously, gallons) and we went again on Friday the 7th to have another bio-physical profile and non-stress test, but this time we went to our backup midwife's office at the hospital.

We showed up, waited forever (reminded me of why I can't stand offices!), and finally had our ultrasound done.  The fluid level had gone up significantly, praise God, so I no longer had to worry about my fear of being induced!  We went into another room for the non-stress test, and the midwife asked me if I wanted her to check me for dilation.  My midwife, who was there with us, said she had wanted to check me later anyways so we might as well do it now!  At this point I was like, whatever!  (Previously when my midwife had checked me, she couldn't tell me anything because my cervix was still posterior.) Well.  This midwife really, um, wasn't shy, and she got in there and pulled my cervix forward, and declared I was already 7 centimeters!  This choked me up and I had a huge emotional release right there.  I didn't know this could happen.  I had no idea I could be 7 cm with a posterior cervix, and I certainly wouldn't have thought I could ever get to 7 cm without a single contraction.

She asked if she could help the baby move down by stretching my legs and hips, which actually felt very good as she worked on me.  She asked if she could strip my membranes now, and I consented, but once she checked me again she said the baby had moved down and I was now 8 cm dilated.  She didn't strip my membranes at this point because she wanted me to make it home in time to have the baby!

I remember feeling sort of paralyzed, worried all of the sudden that labor would kick in and I'd have a baby on the side of the road on the way home. Ryan and I walked cautiously back to his truck, and I don't remember speaking much on the way home.  I think we were both shocked.

We got home and Ryan immediately started blowing up the inflatable birth pool that we had rented, and I started stripping and re-making the bed.  I got out snacks for my birth team, cleared off my desk for her supplies, and pulled out all of my postparum things.  I wasn't contracting or having any signs that there would be labor any time soon.  It felt like a dream.

After everything was set up, we decided to take a nap, and we both slept for about an hour.  I remember waking up feeling very refreshed, but disappointed that still nothing was happening!  I texted my midwife to come over and help get things going- she hadn't gone home because she didn't want to be far from us!

She and the rest of the team came over, and we did everything we could thing of to get things going.  She stripped my membranes and she said I was only 7 cm dilated. (Only!)  She rubbed clary sage and castor oil on my belly, and she said I should work on maneuvering him lower into my pelvis.  The trouble was, everything I knew of to do that worked only in conjunction with contractions- and I wasn't contracting!  She also had me use my pump, and this finally started giving me an occasional contraction.  Maybe one every 15-20 minutes, and even then they were only 30 seconds or so.  I lightly moaned through them, did deep squats, and used the lift-and-tuck Spinning Babies technique.

After a couple of hours, I knew I would have the baby relatively soon, but I wasn't convinced it would be that day.  Things were moving too slowly and I thought I was handling it all too well.  I told myself the contractions weren't hard enough to make any significant changes, and felt like I was going through the motions of moaning and squatting only due to "muscle memory" of having done it four times already!  I joked with everyone that I wasn't really in labor, because mentally I felt fully present to what was going on around me (they were watching television) and I had convinced myself that nothing was really happening.

About halfway through Hell's Kitchen, as I squatted through a contraction, I felt a huge pop or kick or... something.  I think it was my water breaking, but it was up high, like behind my belly button.  I've never felt my water break outside of the birthing tub before, and with this there was no gush of fluid.  But things immediately changed and I was pretty much in transition at that point!  I immediately got into the tub, leaned over one side and grabbed Ryan's arms, and continued to moan through contractions which felt like they never quite ended.  I asked for a cold wash cloth on my head and neck because I was so hot!  But I still felt I was in great control, and kept telling myself it was going to get worse.



After about 30-45 minutes of  "real" labor, I felt like pushing.  So I did.  I don't think anyone else realized what I was doing at first! I remember hearing everyone around me- encouraging me I now know- but I don't remember their words.  My arms were wrapped around the outside of the tub, pulling so hard that Ryan told me later he thought I was going to pop the tub!  I switched positions and about 15 minutes later, I birthed my baby and pulled him up out of the water onto my chest.  I remember saying, "Thank you God!" maybe 50 times in a row, I was thankful he was HERE but also thankful that pushing was OVER!

We sat there in our relief and joy and admired our baby. I was so thankful it was all over!



 It took me a few minutes to slip back into reality, and then we turned this baby over to reveal the gender.



It's a boy!!!


We can't say we were surprised because my mama's intuition had me believing it was a boy all along.  We still hadn't decided on a name yet, though.

After a few minutes, I delivered the placenta and got into my own bed to be examined.  Ryan held our unnamed Baby Boy and I was declared healthy, but still bleeding a little too much.  To help with the bleeding, Ryan brought Baby to me and he latched right on; another perfect nursing baby.  What a blessing!

 

At some point I got up while the midwife examined Baby and I took an herbal bath.  My friend and placenta encapsulater stopped by the house to pick up my placenta, and offered to make me a smoothie with a small chunk of my placenta in it to help stop my bleeding.  I drank it all (it tasted delicious!) and my midwife told me she'd feel more comfortable if I took a medication to help stop the bleeding, so I did, and it helped.

I got back into bed with Baby, they packed everything up, and left at around 11 pm.  Ryan and I settled in for the night (the big kids were with Grandma and Grandpa) with our new son!

We slept off and on all night, with him by my side in bed.  <3 p="">
We asked Grandma and Grandpa to bring the kids over around 9 am to meet their new sibling, but Ryan and I wanted to have a name picked out before they came home.  After some discussion and a little bit of flip-flopping, we settled on Theodore Augustine Joseph, and we planned to call him Theo.  We couldn't pick only one middle name- I really wanted both to honor those saints!  So we just went with it!

The big kids came home and met their new brother.  Everyone loved him, even Caeli!  She still called him "Baby French Fry" though, since this was his in-utero nickname due to my craving of extra-salty French fries!








Overall I am so pleased with the way everything went.  Being 13 days past my due date is hard physically, emotionally, and mentally, but if I knew I was going to have a labor like that again it would be so much easier to endure the wait!  Ryan thinks the home birth was SO much better and loved the experience, but it wasn't that huge of a change for me compared to the birth center.  I loved our birth team and was glad we didn't have to get in the car during contractions or several hours after birth to come home.  And it was nice to recover at home in my own bed!  I think Ryan may have loved it so much because we were in our home where HE was still the host and provider; he knew where everything was when someone needed something, and was able to still sort of be in charge.  At the birth center, we were still guests.

We are so thankful for another son, and so happy that he's here!  There is no other feeling in the entire world better than delivering your baby, after waiting for so long, holding him on your chest, and meeting him.  I knew him and he knew me, but examining him part-by-part and admiring his features is still my favorite part of the process!

Recently I've been learning to pray for my specific desires and intentions, and as silly as it sounds, just asking God for what I want and what I think I need while leaving room for His will to be done.  I very specifically prayed for a fast labor, and when people asked if they could pray for me I asked them to pray for a fast labor. God heard and answered me!  Deo Gratias!



Sunday, October 30

Luke is EIGHT!

This birthday will forever be known as the birthday that tripled our Lego collection!  Luke has been talking for months about his birthday (he's always very enthusiastic about holidays!) and made it well-known to everyone that all he wanted was Legos!  He has brought me the little advertisement "magazine" from his previous Lego kits and pointed out the kits he wanted... he's been doing this for at least four months.  It made picking out his gift so much easier!  Beth desperately wanted to get him a Robin Hood dress up costume (which he liked but let's be honest... Jack loves it more) and I found a switch-blade hair comb on Amazon that I hoped would satisfy his desire for a pocket knife!  Once he figured out how to use it, he loved that too!

Grandma and Grandpa generously hosted his party, made him his favorite dinner (steak!), and then we had brownies and ice cream.  Luke knows what he wants, asks for it, and was pretty much in heaven the whole afternoon!





 




Tuesday, October 4

10 Days Past My Due Date



I am sitting here at my desk, doing hip circles on my birth ball.  Although I’m not feeling particularly inspired to write, it’s probably the one thing I haven’t tried yet to induce labor (a sort of emotional release, if you will).  Things I have tried include all the obvious,  acupuncture and induction massage, mowing the lawn on our tractor, lots of crying, and Spinning Babies techniques.  The logical part of me knows there’s probably nothing I can do to make him or her come.  But part of me feels broken.

Having gone 13 days past my due date last time hasn’t made this time much easier.  My body or my babies need more time to gestate; someone has to be at the bottom of the bell curve at 42 weeks.  It’s not abnormal.  So why is it so hard?

I have a few theories for me.  The first is that I was hopeful that baby just might come early!  Not  too hopeful, but hopeful enough that I ordered my home birth kit on time and started assembling supplies at 38 weeks.  I installed the car seat a couple of weeks ago.  And I’ve been slowly checking things off my list… But most were checked off by 39 weeks.  
 
That was over two weeks ago.

So what have I been doing?  Waiting.  At home.  I’ve been feeling very vulnerable and anti-social, so the idea of visiting friends hasn’t sounded appealing, so we’ve mostly stayed home.  But what happens at home?  I feel like I need to have the house ready to go, so we spend a lot of time cleaning- and that’s driving me crazy.  I haven’t felt like reading or otherwise engaging in anything too crafty (I did recover the cushions on the glider and finish crocheting baby’s blanket though).  So I’m just in this perpetual state of waiting.
I’ve done it to myself, I realize, since I don’t want to go out.  But, my main problem with going out right now is the endless commentary from strangers on me and my family.  It sounds horrible but frankly I don’t want to hear anything from anyone about my pregnancy or my family- even compliments.  I just want to talk about normal things.  Everyone stares at me with giant eyes, comments on my basketball belly, asks how many kids I have and stares at me even more when I tell them this is my fifth.  Or, if the kids are with me, they’ll count them up and ask if this baby is a boy or girl, then I have to explain I don’t know because we chose not to find out, then they say, “Oh I could never do that!” and we laugh cordially.  I’ve had that exact conversation 100 times.  While I am very thankful that I haven’t received any rude comments (apparently those have been reserved for Ryan), I am just tired of the small talk.  

Spiritually I feel very dry, because I haven’t been able to engage in any stimulating conversations due to my self-inflicted confinement, and I haven’t been able to force myself to read anything spiritual.  Or anything at all, really.  I feel like my brain doesn’t have the capacity to think or feel right now.

I’m in a tunnel.  It’s pitch black and I can’t see the light.  I know the light is ahead because, well, no one is pregnant forever, right?  Right now I feel like I’ve been in this tunnel for a lifetime, and this particular tunnel has been more challenging to navigate than the other four I’ve already been through.  This tunnel held apathy, depression, vulnerability, and feelings of abandonment.  When I finally had to give up the one thing at 32 weeks that made me feel like ME (which was working out and lifting weights), my body actually started to feel better physically, which frustrated me that I couldn’t even do the one thing anymore that made me feel normal.  

I’m happy with our decision to labor and deliver at home, but I’m not looking forward to having to actually labor again.  Having been through it several times already, and having witnessed nearly 50 births as a doula, I am very aware of what I’m about to go through.  I made a (probably heretical) comparison to feeling like Jesus in the garden before His passion.  He knew what was going to happen to Him; He didn’t want to do it.  He sweat blood!  I haven’t sweat blood before but I know pretty well what to expect.  The tightening, the stretching, the pain that my body will endure.  It’s the only way to bring this baby into my arms, and I wholly accept that this is the way it has to happen.  And we’ve chosen to do it at home (under the care of a midwife) because I don’t feel there are any better options for me.  Jesus knew His Father’s will, yet He still asked for another way.  I don’t feel guilty about asking for the beginning of the end of this pregnancy… I just have to remember His words: “Not my will, but your will be done.”

I see the opportunities for grace, for growing in patience and endurance, for humility, for redemptive suffering.   I see that perhaps God has a great plan that I don’t know about yet, or a plan better than the one I’ve made.  But… I just don’t want to do it anymore.  I’m ready to have this baby, ready to accept and embrace the pains of labor, ready to move on with life.  Yet I must wait.

And so…  we wait.


Thursday, June 30

June, in photos

Caeli has such beautiful skin.

We woke up one Saturday and Ryan said, "What do you want to do today?" I said, "Build headboards for the boys?" So he did it.

I cut 8 inches or so for a summery-do.

Luke loves his doggy.

She has a wonderful imagination.  She reminds me so much of Beth as a baby.
We went to a free symphony concert with friends, with music by John Williams.

Caeli picked her free book from the library as a reward for the summer reading program.  Winnie the Pooh... in Spanish!  And she insisted I read it!

We had fun playing with friends, chasing their chickens, and collecting eggs.

I spent many hours of creative time designing and printing my own planner for life and school.  It's my favorite!

We scored some new patio furniture on clearance.

Luke helped PawPaw recover our dining room chairs.

Sunday, May 15

Beth's Confirmation

 
May 15, 2016

Dear Beth,
My sweet girl.  There are no fitting words to express how proud I am of you today- truly, how proud of you I am always.  You have always been intelligent and mature, thoughtful and insightful.  You stump me with questions about how our world works and how God is a part of our lives, and you humble me with your loving and forgiving heart.  Your longing to find God's place for you in this world has always impressed me.  I didn't make you that way, your Heavenly Father did.  He called you at a young age to be a witness, to be His.  And you said yes.

You are blessed to be in a faith community that not only supports but encourages you to receive the Sacraments, and as you prepared your mind, heart, and soul for the sacrament of Confirmation, I knew that the Holy Spirit really had called you to this.  You were already His, and now that you've received the gifts of the Spirit, I know He will continue to call you to great things. 

At 9.5 years old, you are the youngest member of the Personal Ordinariate of the Chair of St. Peter to be confirmed.  I believe your enthusiasm for the graces this sacrament will no doubt pave the way for other young girls and boys to be confirmed in their faith!  We believe that you've received the Gifts of the Holy Spirit- piety, wisdom, knowledge, understanding, fear of the Lord, counsel, and fortitude- and what else does our world need more right now?  You understand what it means to be a soldier for Christ as we spoke at length about this during your preparations.  You know the world needs Christ, though thankfully your innocence prevents you from knowing just how badly our world needs Him.  Your understanding will grow and change as you get older, but those holy gifts, this indelible mark, will remain with you always.


Daddy and I are filled with joy, our hearts overflow with gratitude to God for giving you to us. We know the Holy Spirit will guide you as you leave childhood behind and enter into adolescence, and for that we are also so very thankful!  We pray that you will seek His guidance and wisdom all the days of your life.


I love you, my precious girl!  
Love, Mommy


Sunday, April 24

Luke's First Holy Communion



Our dearest Luke,
On the day that you received the most precious Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Our Lord, we prayed intensely for you.  We begged God to bless you through your faithfulness to Him, to increase your strength as a growing virtuous boy, and to grant you grace to always follow Him, no matter where that takes you in life.
We are so proud of you, of the preparations that you've made, and the excitement you've demonstrated in being able to participate more fully in the church through the sacraments of Penance and Holy Communion.  Your special day was witnessed by your godparents, grandparents, and friends, and we celebrated afterward with a fun little party with your sweet friend!  You had a great day, and kept telling me how happy you were that you finally were able to receive Jesus.  You filled my heart with joy!
  








Thursday, April 21

Thursday


Math patterns. 

This is why I don't enjoy reading aloud.  Everyone want to next to me.  Not on me, but next to me, and they don't understand that I have only two sides.  So they argue and kick, someone pouts, and someone is unhappy.  Guess who that one is in this photo...

Waiting for Luke to finish up his ukulele lesson.  Beth usually has her piano lesson at the same time but today her teacher was out of town.  We walked around the parking lot checking puddles for interesting things.  Jack rescued a lady bug from drowning and nearly caught a lizard.  Beth squashed some crawfish chimneys and found the "back door" to a couple of them.  Caeli mostly held my hand and copied what everyone else was doing.

Tonight we went for a walk after dinner.  Beth has a new-to-her bike and Ryan and I discovered that walks are much more pleasant now that we can trust the three big kids to not ride away, fall in a ditch, or get hit by a car!  It's been raining so much that plenty of ditches were full of running water, so of course we let them climb down and check it out.



We also foraged for wild blackberries, brought them home, washed, and ate.  They were tart!

Waiting

I rocked Caeli to sleep last night and noticed the shrinking size of my lap.  In order to lean up against me, she has to arch her back a little over my baby bump and wrap her tan little legs around mine to keep from slipping off.  This doesn't seem to bother her, but I notice.

And just like that, 17 weeks in, this pregnancy is flying by.  Life carries on as usual but I notice those little things, things probably no one else notices or understands. But I notice.

I notice the change in my gait.  My hips have widened and there's a small waddle that's been added to my walk.

I notice the placement of the firm part of my belly.  It's not all firm, but where it is keeps me from bending over or even kickboxing the way I used to.

I notice the additional pangs of hunger from not eating enough of the "right" foods.  Because when I eat, everyone wants to eat.  And the idea of dirtying up multiple pots and pans in the morning just doesn't seem to be worth the extra work of cleaning it all up.

I notice the lightheadedness from the additional blood flowing through my body.  The shortness of breath from one flight of stairs.  The tiredness.

And the veins in my left leg.  Oh boy do I notice them.

I've also started noticing something new.  Little gentle kicks, pokes and jabs from a little person inside letting me know he* is there.  He hasn't wasted any time with gentle flutters; this baby already know he's destined for the soccer field like his brothers and sisters.

The ebbs and flows of our day allow me time to sit and concentrate on waiting for those kicks.  I place my hand on my lower abdomen and give a gentle but firm push, to let him know he has my full attention.  More often than not, I think he knows I'm waiting for him and he responds with a push.  Our two worlds meet through layers of skin and muscle and I'm reassured that he's still there, waiting for me too.



***I say "he" for the sake of ease, but we won't be finding out the gender of this baby before birth!  It was too much fun last time not knowing that Caeli was a girl!

Tuesday, April 19

 
site design by designer blogs