I have 5 posts sitting on my dashboard right now, waiting on me to hit "publish" and share them with the world. Two need some minor editing and photos, but three are just feeling too personal to share. Why? I can't figure out why this is bothering me so much. I used to not really care what anyone thought. I still don't to a certain extent, but over the past year or two I've become much more... personal I think. Way more introverted for sure, but that's also due to the fact that it keeps our home school on task so we don't become too busy.
I've learned recently that I actually have some insecurity issues, which I know might seem like a joke to some people. Apparently I come off as a pretty confident person! Well, I am confident in most things about my life. I have little doubt or fear about our decisions and choices. I don't seek the approval of many people, yet I still feel the need to be wanted and approved of by certain people, even to the point of sin.
Why do I need this validation? I rarely feel like I get it so it's basically this hole that can't be filled.
I remind myself that God is the only one who can wholly satisfy the desire in my heart to be loved unconditionally, and that I don't need to seek His approval. Because He already loves me.
The good thing about this desire to be wanted is that I feel that it makes me an empathetic person. I evaluate situations and needs of others and try wholeheartedly to anticipate and fill their needs. I'm not always great at this, but it's part of what made me a good doula.
So I sit here and teeter on the edge of hitting publish, revealing more about me and my heart. I crave approval yet it's so embarrassing to admit it. I figure admitting an owning fault is the first step to overcoming it, so I'll claim it!
But, not approval in the sense of someone "liking" a photo or commenting on a blog post. Words of encouragement is not my primary love language. ;-) My primary love languages are quality time and acts of service, which is a problem when you're an introvert who likes to stay home and all your friends are also introverts or too busy to come over for a playdate! So maybe I'm doing it to myself!
I'm going to be "fixing up" my blog soon- making some visual changes and changing the name. It's stale in here! My blog needs to be taken outside, hung up and beaten with a tennis racket, and aired out in the sun for a day or two. I hope that some changes will encourage me to write more, muster up some courage, and just hit publish. I don't intend to write for a different audience- I've always written with the intention of capturing family memories and my thoughts, so that one day my kids will know more about who I am and where I've been.
Hope you'll stick around!